Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Be On Your Guard

Something that just flashed across my mind just as I was about to do some work.


Reason I said that was because I just realised that the "sterotypes" of cancer is "fading". The line between types of cancer and demographic and lifestyles is getting blurred.
If you're a male, it doesn't mean you will not get breast cancer.
If you are a female, it doesn't mean you will not get nose or stomach cancer.
If you don't smoke, it doesn't mean you will not get nose, throat, mouth or lung cancer.
If you don't eat preserved foods, it doesn't mean you will not get nose cancer.
If you don't have hepatitis, it doesn't mean you will not get liver cancer.
If you don't have polyps in you colon, it doesn't mean you will not get colon cancer.
If you don't have gastritis, it doesn't mean you will not get stomach cancer.

If you're not feeling well, have nagging pains, swellings, feel tired easily, have a sudden burst of appetite that goes on for a period of time without putting on much weight or loss of appetite for no apparent reason, bleed easily through bowels, nose of any other "outlet" of the body or any other symptoms you are not comfortable with, please see a doc. If possible, insist to get scanned.
An ultrasound is about S$100 and a CT scan is about S$300 for certain parts of the body, larger area scanned means more. A PET scan, head to toe is about S$2500. These are "small" money spent compared to losing your life.

Dear loved ones, please take notice of the hints your body is throwing at you. Arresting any form of illness at an early stage means a definate higher chance of surviving. Please take care and God Bless!

She Was A Strong Fighter

Lord, Jo is with you now. Promise me to take good care of her ok? Promise me You'll love her deep deep. Promise me to look after her.
But why did You take her to be with You so soon? She's still so young. But I know You'll take good care of her.
Please bless her family and friends who have been taking of her all this while.
Papa in Heaven, take care of Jo ok? Tell Aunt M I miss her too...

In Jesus Holy Name, Amen!

Argh! I hate cancer! I had sweared that I'll fight you and mark me words! How many people are you going to take away before you stop huh? Take more and you'll burn and rot more horribly in hell!!!

Monday, June 25, 2007

One Year Older...

Sigh, I am beginning to dislike birthdays. Birthdays are fun days and that's why I love birthdays. But, to keep getting reminded that I'm inching closer to the big "3" isn't that fun after all. Hopefully, I can feel differently as I inch even closer, as I'll graduate and step into the working life and feel like a "real woman". Studying sometimes makes me feel like a child... hehe...

Big "Thank Yous" to each and everyone for your birthday wishes through all kinds of various channels like my blog, SMSes, MSN and Friendster. Will keep and treasure each and everyone of them physically (on the phone or computer) and of course, mentally in my heart and mind. Love y'all! Muacks!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I Feel "Soft"

When I woke up just now, I saw my 2 gloves hanging on the wall and got reminded of the good old training days during poly and the mud fights.
Then I thought of Aunt M, who has left us for slightly more than a year already.
Then I though of other cancer patients I know.
Then I felt "soft", felt that I should do much more then just go to school, do my assignments, mug and aim for A's. My life should be packed with more stuff instead of just school, assignments, grades and my part-time job at HMV (which because of school, I've not worked for close to 2 months and will not most prob till Sep).
There are things to be done, to be "achieved". I need to sort out my time, push harder and find the energy and stamina to do the things I want to do. To others, these may not be things that fulfil a life, but these are things just I know I must do to fulfil "me".
I want my driving license.
I want to complete my "thorough cleanup" of my room.
I want to save more money for my US trip.
I want to complete some Xmas presents I've shelved since 2005 Xmas.
Most importantly, I want to volunteer for Children's Cancer Foundation and help kids like me.
God, grant me the energy...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Friends & Clutter

I find it funny when people add people in Friendster or Multiply or any other social networking websites for the sake of adding people. Yes, I've made some friends through these websites, but that's beside the point. There are people in my contact list whom I have added due to the following reasons:
- I know them personally, they may not be exactly my "friends" and I don't have their contact numbers, but they are friends of my friends and they are people whom I would go up to say "hi" on the streets even without "the mutual friend" around.
- Some are players I got to know during my "Gunbound" days.
- Some are people who chanced upon me while I was sick and fueled me with words of encouragement. These are friends found during my deepest moments.

And I absolutely hate it when people message me, "Can I be your friend", without giving any reason. Sometimes I feel I should be mean and reply, "For what? I'm not interested!", but I simply can't do so, because I'm not like that.

These social networking websites are a lovely tool for me to get back in touch with long lost friends, friends I want to keep and treasure for the rest of my life but somehow we lost contact along the way. And I guess I'll have to make do with all these "clutter" along the way.

Lord, Please Help

Wanted to log off to start on my work after making some little template adjustments on the blog, but decided to scoot over to Jo's blog to see updates on her condition... And I didn't really like what I read...

Papa in Heaven, please help Jo and Alex tide over this period. I really don't know what to say, but you definately know what is happening. You have given me another chance at life to fulfil my dreams, how about giving Jo hers? She's still so young and has so many dreams. Please give her and Alex another chance.
Lord, they have put so much faith and trust in You, please help them. Lord, please rid all cancer cells in Jo and of all evil. Papa in Heaven, I know You can do so effortlessly, please bless and help them...

In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

Monday, June 18, 2007

The "Void" Of The Year Arrived Again

Followers of the European soccer season will know this and it's the time of the year where we suffer from withdrawal symptoms. Normally, there are certain competitions to fill the void, but it doesn't help when you can't get to watch it.

Last year, we had World Cup to fill the void.
Next year, we will have Euro to fill the void.
Now, we have Euro Under-21 and CONCACAF to fill the void, but where are the telecasts?!
Damn it!!!

Re: Meaning Of Me

I love it when I attribute down and depressed periods and moments to the monthly menses. The sky seems not as gloomy and cloudy right now, but, 4 weeks later, it might. However, it might be cheery things happening that's why:
1) Etihad flying to Singapore, which means I can get to see Jan after so long. When she's in Singapore, it seemed easier to meet up, hence I don't feel that I've not seen her for a long time. But now she's away, it seems long enough, though it has only been a short while.
2) Ultrasound results all clear.
3) Mugging period is starting, but I definately have ample time as long as I pace myself right.
4) Assignments are not as difficult as I had worried. Talking to my dearest classmates really helped.
5) I had just topped up my supplies of Red Rock Deli.
6) My cheapo mp3 player gave up on me. Which now gives me the ultimate license to get a new one, without feeling guilty that I had spent money unwisely.
7) Arrogant Alsonso is trailing to his rookie teammate, Hamilton. The "sore loser" face of his and Jose Mourinho never fails to cheer me up.
8) As withdrawal symptoms of the lack of soccer matches kicks in, F1 races are the next best thing.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Still Clear

Went to see Dr. Hwang on Thursday and she sent me for a liver ultrasound. Had class in the afternoon, so had the results sent back to clinic and saw her on Friday. All clear means I'm still good.

Thank God...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Hooray Etihad!

The bestest news I received since Jan went to Abu Dhabi: Etihad will start to fly to Singapore in end-Sep.
The nearest destinations it flies nearer to Singapore so far are KL, Bangkok and Jakarta. My latest school schedule has me tied up till mid-Sep; there are breaks, but these are study/ mugging/ cramming breaks for me (somehow after radiotherapy, my brain cells are zapped dead too). However, by then, I'll still have one module's exam to study for. I've been trying hard to save up moolah to fly up to those places to meet her and with my school schedule, I reckon the earliest I can do so is after mid-Oct.
With that good news, it means I can get to meet her by the same targeted "earliest" date at a cheaper rate and "rolling over" those moolah for the US trip next May for my on-campus residency.
A win-win situation... Absolut nothing can describe my joy now.

Psst... Absolute is purposely spelt absolut... Hehe...

Monday, June 11, 2007

Real Madrid Snubbed

Hahaha... Orbi-good!
Orbi-good = Singapore slang for serves you right

Serves Real Madrid right for not cherishing such a great player like David Beckham. Serves Fabio Capello right for leaving Becks on the bench for so much of the season. Capello now plays Becks, after the deal with LA Galaxy is signed and sealed. And I'm pretty sure he's amazed at Becks ability and at his own stupidity for not cherishing the player.

Serves Steve McClaren right now. Though he has dropped his ego and pride by recalling a player he "famously" dropped when he assumed the role of manager of the England national squad, after seeing Becks superb performance lately at Real Madrid. And I'm pretty sure he's amazed at Becks ability and at the backlash he received from the public regarding how wrong his "right" decision to drop Becks was.

Can't wait for May 2008 to come. I would be in Oklahoma for my on-campus residence and most important of all, I'm going to try all means to get to LA to watch Becks play.
MLS starts in April and Euro 2008 starts in June. Hope I'm there at the right time.

Blog Changes

Nothing major. Just changed the taggy. Prefer this one though, can set how big I want it to be.
Added the technorati and stats thingy.
If there are popups or worms or whatever "evil" stuff, these changes did to your computer, please kindly let me know. Technorati should have no problems. I had gone through the stats and taggy webby and by right, there should not be any "evil" stuff.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

If Only All Exams Are "Open-Notes"

I sacrificed so much sleep that I think I only slept for 5 "nights" in a week. I did not literally sleep at night, sometimes sleeping when the sun is up and waking up before it's down.
I sacrificed so much trees that I used almost 2 100-pages A4 lined writing pads to copy, and I really mean literally lifting out word by word, from the text. K, then again, 200 pages may not have cost SO many trees, but I admit, I still murdered the trees.
I sacrificed so much ink by using up 7 PILOT G-2 0.5 blue refills.
I sacrificed so much correction tape by using 4 PLUS Whiper Slide 10 meters refills, so that's 40 meters worth of correction tape. How I did that, I don't really know. All I could remember was instead of copying "which took", I wrote, "whick toow".
I sacrificed so much that in the end, the area around my 1st knuckle on my middle finger had callus due to abrasions from too much writing.
All these sacrifices are worth it because I got an "A". It's not just an ordinary "A", it's and "A" for a politics module. Thank God for pulling me through this.
Now, I need His help to pull me through August.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Inconsiderate Fuckers

Though I can't be sure if the tissue was left by the group there. But what i was very sure was that this group of 3 people were occupying 4 seats and the bus was pretty crowded. The "extra" seat was used to put their belongings and the foot!

Bye Bye Garfield...

After my last exam last month on the 12th, I did some packing and cleaning up of my room and one part of it was re-wrapping stuff toys around my bed. I came upon Garfield, .
which was a birthday present from my secondary school classmates more than a decade ago. It was in a rather bad condition and was repaired twice; and mum had told me before to throw it away since it was always spoilt again and again.
Now, I feel it has already gone beyond repair, so I had to say goodbye to it reluctantly. I love to keep stuff with sentimental values, thus my room has loads of "emotional junk" which I simply refuse to throw away. But Garfield was really old and beyond repair. Sigh...

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Jo & Alex, Fight!

It has been some time since I had read Jo's and Alex's blog, A Journey of Faith. When I read it just now, I almost fell off my chair and tears just dropped. All the while it seemed cheery. Jo's doctor told them "to be prepared for the worst" last Tuesday.

These 6 words are all so familiar when Dr. Hwang told my parents that during my first chemo session. If I can be so "normal" now, why can't Jo? It isn't fair! I hate to blame or question God, for I know He has His reasons, but I'm really questioning Him now.

And I'm questioning myself again... The meaning of "me". I feel so useless, helpless and lost right now. Why in the fuck am I still existing on this earth when I can't help people like me since I'm in remission now and experience is always the best teacher. I feel...wasted.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Meaning Of Me

I needed some time to calm down and think throughly before I tread on this topic... Now, I think I'm ready to.

In the beginning, I fought this battle against the evil cancer for my family, my loved ones, my friends and everyone around me especially for Dear and myself. I wanted to prove myself that I'm strong enough to overcome this. I wanted to prove that there is indeed life after cancer, and it is only just during this period of time, the evil cells decide to multiply and take over the body. I thought I would feel great being a survivor and would have "extra" strength to overcome anything else that falls in my path.
When Seng ask if I wanted to help for his webby, I agreed readily because I wanted to help others like me. Somehow, I kinda feel that God gave me another chance at life not just because of the pleas in prayers, but because He wants me to do something, be more useful and make use of this 2nd chance wisely, helping others win the battle too.

But I did nothing.

I kinda feel guilty I'm still around and won the initial part of the battle, while I see and hear others leaving. If I can have such great oncologists who plucked me away from the gate of death, why can't others? If I can have the knowledge of what to eat and what not to, why can't others? If I have the chance of reliving my life again, why can't others? How can I reach out to them and help them, talk to them and even advice them?
Some of these other people leave because they skip their routine check ups, go clubbing and even drink alcohol while still having treatment, or eat unwisely during these crucial months. How can I tell them not to?

There's only one thing I can do now and that is to relate my experience, which I think is the least I can do, to try to help anyone.

For 2-3 years before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was taking Fisherman's Friend Lemon constantly. I could finish 1 packet within 3 days; or even in just half a day, proceeding to the next packet soon after. There were reminders and news everywhere that aspartame was some sort of a cancer-feeder. I even read an email warning readers to stay away from Fisherman's Friend as aspartame as part of its ingredients. I ignored and continued my diet of my favourite sweet then.
2005 April, I got the bad news. Whether I'm a living example of aspartame's link with cancer, I really don't know as there is no proven fact that it causes nose cancer. However, there are proven facts that it links to other types of cancers as of now.

I agree that everyone is born with some cancer cells. When they "come alive" depends on when they are "tiggered" to. Some can smoke, drink and eat "cancer causing" foods for their entire life, yet they don't die from cancer, thus some say it is a matter of luck. But I insist that if you take care of your diet and body, chances of "luck" happening is minimized because you are in control.
Now, I stay away from any food with ingredients labelled with aspartame, or even E951 and acesulfame-K, all other commonly know names of aspartame. I hope whoever is reading this will do so too. Please take control of your own life, don't give cancer cells any chance to start taking over that control.

Morning Or Afternoon Classes?

- I have the entire afternoon and night to do things, go for my routine checkups, shop or even run errands, approximately about more than 8 hours worth.
- I get sleepy around 3pm and then at 8pm. Desperately trying to stay awake till 11pm so as not to waste the "waking" hours. So, I end up with concentration laspes and "stoning" periods. However, when the clock reads 11pm, I'm blardi wide freakingly awake and can only get to sleep almost at 1am or even later. Thus, I end up going to class with not enough sleep.
- In a nice way of saying things, I'm a night owl; the ugly way, I'm a blardi zombie. I have better concentrate power at night.
- I love the serenity and coolness of the night, which I would spend most sleeping it away.
- I love sleeping at 2 or 3 in the morning and waking up at 9 or 10. The stillness of the night makes it more conducive to fall asleep even though I'm not tired. At 9 or 10 in the morning, the morning buzz of "noise from the environment" (like electronic buzz, tvs, radios, poeple talking, vehicles, etc...) becomes a natural alarm clock.

- To put it nicely, I'm a night owl; the ugly way, I'm a blardi zombie. I concentrate better at night. Thus I can study or do some readings effectively before going to bed.
- I love the serenity and coolness of the night, very conducive for studying, especially for exams.
- I love sleeping at 2 or 3 in the morning and waking up at 9 or 10. The stillness of the night makes it more conducive to fall asleep even though I'm not tired. At 9 or 10 in the morning, the morning buzz of "noise from the environment" (like electronic buzz, tvs, radios, poeple talking, vehicles, etc...) becomes a natural alarm clock. And I need not worry about being late for class.
- I have a more "stable" biological clock and need to even try to stay awake at all. My waking hours are more "effectively" used, without any "blank out" periods of time.
- If I try to get up earlier to run errands or do stuff, I can't get up.
- After class, banks would be closed, my oncologists will be off work, the bus and mrt would look like tins of sardines and taxis would charge an additional $2-$4 depending on timing and place of boarding; pratically just slightly less from "chaotic". As how my colleagues would put it in reference to a similar situation we face during weekends, "不懂从那一个动物园出来的 (literally: don't know come out from which zoo)".
- Practically, a day is almost wasted other than going for class.

Which is better? Don't ask me. I'm still trying to figure it out.