Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Empty Vessel

As the saying goes, "empty vessels make the most noise". I think I'm one. My colleagues find me noisy, my friends find me noisy, everyone finds me noisy. I'm an empty airhead. Sometimes, I wish I would be a bitch, because it seems like only bitches don't make noise, they make "music". And it seems like only bitches get taken seriously.

I've been like that for the past few days, maybe even for a week or 2, and I have no freaking idea why. Maybe I worry and think too much? Maybe I'm freaking out at everything and everyone? Maybe I'm feeling insecure because I'm afraid people don't like me that much? Maybe because the childhood stigma of not having real friends in primary school still freaks me out till today. Dear once teased me, with the amount of friends that I have, maybe his friends have to pose as my friends and sit on "my side" of tables during our wedding banquet.

I may not seem the broody, moody type, but the happy-go-lucky type judging by the numerous "lol", "haha", "hehe" I punctuate my sms or msn messages with; but I'm actually quite a depressing person. I may seem blur, bimbotic, naive, blunt, anything and everything but, except those that can associate me with a bitch. Since I'm blunt, and like what my lecturer refers to, "no filter", I have offended many unknowingly (because I'm blur) with things I say, and thus "potential" friends ended disliking me and don't wana have any association with me at all. But I can't help it. There are some people whom I seen and heard who are equally blunt, yet people flock to them, maybe it's because they are good-looking, and I'm not...
One of my ex-es said that I'm that kinda person who give people only 2 extreme options when they first get to know me. Either they have neutral feelings about me or they don't like me at all, no such thing as "maybe can give this gal a 2nd chance to see if she's really so (feel in the blank)" It doens't help that I'm freaking hot, so it "compensates" for my brainless blabbering.
Most of my ex-es warned me that if I wanted to keep my friends or make new ones, I better watch my mouth (but I rather put it as "my brain") because I have offended sooooooo many tons of people that if they had counted, they would have lost count. They also added that those friends that I really have are those that are forgiving and kind enough to give me sooooooo many blardi tons of 2nd chances to know me better because they were trusting enough to know "deep down" I'm not the "surface" person they had known just a while ago (this sentiment was actually seconded by some of my closest friends).

I've heard people telling me "stop whining" or "don't be so whiny". But I can swear to you, when you said that, I was not whining. I can't help it that I'm born with a voice with such a pitch and tone. Wait till you really hear me whine. I think Dear and my ex-es are the only ones who hear me whine, because I only whine to my boyfriends.

If anyone noticed, I'm not typing with perfect smoothness in flow of language and this whole entry looks and sounds disjointed. And I'm sobbing while typing this... Fuck it, maybe I'm just slipping into another of my depression periods again... Maybe I'm just fucking whining. Maybe I'm just a fucking empty vessel making noise, wasting 4+, close to 5 precious hours doing this while trying to read my text, surf the net, chat on msn, etc....
Damn it. Why does all my entries take so long to be typed out and "finalized" before I'm willing to hit "publish post"? Maybe I just like to type and type, leave it there, come back, add some more in case I left something out, type and type. See, another "potential" entry coming up... Why my entries are all so blardi long. Argh! Maybe I should just stop here and sleep! (Time on my lappy now, 2:46am)

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