Running on XP now...

Been bz backing up data n upgrading my comp. Running on XP now!!! Cleared all those stupid spyware n viruses... Its like having a brand new comp... So shiok...

Besides this, helping my coach aso in his FJSS softball carnival. Not too bad, keepin myself bz till the end of this month. Will start my driving lessons next month...

I just realised some things... Firstly, I tire easily.. very easily.. I slept at 2am+ ystday n only woke up at 4pm+ today, n now i'm already yawning away... Whn i opened my eyes at ard 10am, my eyes just closed back, just too tired to get up.

Secondly, I'm the most vulnerable at nite. Maybe in the mornings whn i just wake up, my brain's dead, not working, just a blank mind, just stoned n half awake... At nite, whn i'm most active, cos i'm a nite owl, if i dun do anything, i'll feel at a loss, just feel like crying... mayb goin for driving lessons a bit dangerous ah?

Thirdly, i'm very thirsty... Just feel like drinking n drinkin...

Fourthly, I've no appetite although i'm hungry... I can only take a few bites n thn after some time, the hungry pangs kick in again. I force myself to eat whn i'm outside cos there isnt any "biteable" small sized treats with me.

Last but not least, I'm putting on a mask in front of everyone. I may be toking, chatting happily whn i'm wif anyone, but once i'm alone, the sian-ness n down-ness kicks in, n if i dun keep myself bz, i'll feel loss n start to cry... so whnever i'm on the bus, i'll watch tvmobile, if not play mahjong on my hp... i need pple to tok to n keep me company. Asking abt the condition is ok, but pls dun probe too much if i dun feel like toking abt it...

Thanks to everyone who have shown me care n concern all this while. Luv ya all! God will bless good pple lile all of u....

Btw, Yanks lost the World Series title to Marlins. yes, u can repeat again, who the hell are the Marlins...

I need a doc...

Finding the courage to ask my mum to bring me to c a doc n if not a doc, at least wht cresp says, a clinic which can provide lab tests to chk my hormone levels...

Spent the whole aftnn out just now... Lunch, pool, dinner, movie... i was almost on the verge of crying during dinner, but held back my tears cos dun wan klooz to worry. I really din know y... Thinking back hard at wht happened just now n the surroundings. No sad songs, no sad tv shows, nothing... I was just looking down n was concentrating eating my pasta... But I almost dropped tears! y?!I REALLY shld get myself checked. REALLY...

Period is late... by a week... I almost tot it'll not come this month. Really scare me... scared me not in the pregnant sense, but in worrying if my condition might take for a worse. Well, later is betta thn never rite?

To bro...

Wht shld blogs n journals be? Writing abt sad negative stuff or writing abt happy cheerful stuff or shld it be both?

pple close to me shld know I hate being a 3rd party or being invovled in others r/ships. y am i now? y issit tt my closest frd, a buddy, a bro's gf dun like him toking or miting me? however he explains to me, i jus cant understand it. but now i believe n c tt the power of true love is so great. it even can make someone forget his dreams and not do anything. Even if it means distancing himself from close frds of the opposite sex. All becos of a gf who cant accept the fact tt even ex-es can be close frds. am i asking too much? all i hope is just the same treatment... But it seems that i'm losing a frd, a close buddy soon...

i've wanted to let go, months ago... telling him tt remaining as frds wld be best, not as bro n sis, cos no gal wld be able to take it... he din wan, smsed me saying "i'm very impt to him", "someone he'll tok to care n help till the end of time", "someone whom he really care for n treat as a sis"... reading these sms now really sound BS... jus cos of a gal, whom he hasn't met, a gal whom he call "dear", a gal whom he love... he stops calling his sis n cant go out wif her, cos his gf dun like it... well, y cant the gal be slightly mature n magnaminous? n i cant believe the fact tt my bro wld like this kinda gal...

mayb i shld be more understanding eh? give her time to accept n understand eh? haven i been helping? giving advices n stuff? haven i stop calling him for soooo long, only calling him to dicuss impt stuff... n to think i lump everything together... how productive is tt...

mayb its time to let go... being as norm frds is betta... as a sis, u're like obliged to help n whn u do, u get blamed in the end... saying tt u're giving extra pressure... who's giving pressure to who? did he ever stand in my position n think?! since its so stressful to handle a gf n a sis, u have to let go of one... and since i'm already willing to go, pls let go... if u ever got to read this... pls let go... only whn there's biz to discuss thn contact... But, he even hardly contacts me for biz discussion... am i a biz partner or wht?

where r the times tt we discussed biz, brainstorming like crazy over the phone? maybe its me n my condition, which u dunno... mayb u prefer love to bread... prefer toking to yr gf thn toking abt biz, brainstorming n stuff... mayb i'm really not impt to u anymore... if i'm not, pls let go...

where r the times u called me to try to spare time to go over to yr place on weekends cos u miss yr sis, n wan the family to have a meal together... now i'm not even allowed to step into yr place... mayb the gal loves u too much, so she dun wan me to step into yr home... but like wht u said, yr home is my home, cos yr mum treats me like a daughter... n now?

yah.. have to give some time.. how long? no one knows... but does tt means the day she cant understand n accept, we'll be forever distanced apart? if tt's the case, thn we're not siblings anymore, its seems more like just norm biz partners n frds... anyway, we're aso not blood siblings... I'm just disappointed in the way u handle stuff...

just hope u'll not forget yr dreams, yr immortality plan n yr promises to God n ah keong jiu jiu..

No idea wht description to put... Brain dead...

I'm dead tired... Not doing much aso can tire out so easily...

Will continue the China trip thingy most prob tmr... Just dun feel like writin... Mayb lazy, mayb no mood, mayb... I dunno...

The guys team played their first league game today at 9.30am in the morning. I only got up at 8.15am... took a cab down to Kallang... Just feel like slping n slpin n not waking up... Not waking up forever. Papa in Heaven, pls forigve me for harbouring these stupid tots, mayb I really have nothing betta to do... Mayb I really feel useless n its not my worth staying here. Mayb I shld be wif u...

Time to hit the sack n wake up at 7.30 for World Series Game 2... New York Yanks vs Florida Marlins. FLM lead series of best-of-7 1-0. Yanks must win the next one cos the 3rd, 4th n 5th games are plsyed in FL... Home advantage mah...

Just touched down...

Just touched down a couple of hours ago. China's great! Except for a few certain things. Will tok abt them tmr...

Too tired now, sleepy... haven got any good sleep in China. Y? More of it tmr...

Put on some weight. Y? more of it tmr...

Throat very dry n irritated. Skin on my legs are cracking. Fingernails n cuticles in a mess. OUTBREAK!!!! Y? More of it tmr...

Bought Baileys n Absolut Kurrant at DFS!!! Yummy!!! Not to mention dirt cheap too! Gahmen make us pay so much tax considering the shop at DFS need to make some profit too... Thy stop selling ciggies though... Haizzz...

K, zzz time... Will tok abt the trip tmr... zzz

Dear Absolut...

Its so tired tryin to keep busy. After I came home from My Teacher, Mr Kim (more on tt movie later), washed up, changed, I watched tv till 2.30am as usual till all my HK serials finish. Did a bit of packing and wanted tv for company again cos I was defragin my comp. No shows!!! I almost wanted to cry on the moment I was flippin away n I couldn't find any to watch. Then I settled on espn's sportscenter which keeps repeating. Wht's there to keep me occupied?

Guess I had no choice but to turn to my dear friend, Absolut. Let me introduce Absolut or Ab or more commonly know as Vodka. It's manufactured in Sweden, so says the bottle and it came back wif my dad just now at ard 10+. He bought the plain one... Absolut IS good!!! darling of the day, my hero... Jas' version of Screwdriver, Vodka + Grapefuit juice. Not like I wanted it but there's no 7-up or Ribena at home. Prefer 7-up or Ribena 100 times betta. Maybe whn I come back i shld go for Blackcurrent or Citrus... *sniggers* This is damn great, cos I'm starting to feel brain dead n sleeply!

B4 I really cannot take it n go to bed, just talk a bit on the movie. Great movie, beats any Hollywood crap thumbs down! May I add its very touching too... A teacher was posted to a rurual primary school. There he discovers what teaching is really like and goes thru happy n sad times with the entire enrollment of 5 kids. Unfortunately, the school gotta close down. The closing shots of the movies whn the credits rolled showed some B&W photos of a school. Somehow I think tt the school did exsited in Korea, characters might be fictional. Reminds me of the primary school in Pulau Ubin... Was forced to close down as there were not enuff students, just like wht's potrayed in the show. maybe will do some web search to find out...

Yankees won the series 3-1! As usual, my darling Derek Jeter made a very good play this morning... He caught the ball in the air and even b4 he landed, he made a one bounce throw to get the batter out at 1! Isn't tt so power?! *swoons* Shuai dai le... After the game, he was being interviewed. He's my fave MLB player for so long already, but its the 1st time I heard his voice! Heh! How I wish I can be like him, the best SS ard (n I'm only toking abt skills, looks toked abt seperately)... Jeter is the MLB version of Becks n Becks is the soccer version of Jeter. Good comparison eh? hehe... Benefits those reading who dunno who's Becks or Jeter... Interesting fact, both 1st names start wif "D"...

Cannot take it... gotta log in Neopets to get freebies n thn zzz... Absolut's gooooooooooodddddddddddddddd...

Espn the whole damned day

Becks played just now. Real Madrid won 2-1.

"You are connected to 132,147 people in your Personal Network, through 24 friends." Friendster's fun...

Screaming n shoutings continued today. What the hell am I doing? Cried to slp ystday nite, apparently, I'm not tired enuff? Wait till I get my hands on my Absolut Vodka, I'll make sure I'll slp the minute I hit my tatami.

The whole day, the tv's on espn. Showing games and sports that I've no interest, just need to keep myself occupied... Drank the remaining half a bottle of Vodka Mudshake, yummy! Maybe I haven been drinking for a long time, my brain's a bit dead. Good!

Something's wrong wif Dilys.. Will call her when I get back. Wonder how much are the ciggies over there and if I can bring back some for my dear frds.

Wreckage is me...

Keeping myself in check... Soon this blog will become sorta like a medical report... Heh...

Crying, nope, checked...

Feel like crying, yesh (many times), checked...

Shouting n screaming, yesh, checked...

Feeling empty n loss, yesh (when i'm not doin anything), checked...

Stomach growling, yesh, checked...

Appetite, nope, checked...

Total food ingested: one can of green tea, few sticks of Long John Silver's fries, 1/5 piece of LJS chicken, 4 pieces of LJS shrimps n 3 pieces of LJS calamari...

I have to keep myself bz... If not i'll be on the verge to start crying... Like just now, on the way home wif my mum in the cab, made myself pay attention to the lyrics of the songs playing on the radio. Fell asleep in front of the tv, wht choice do I have... I dun wana be sobbin while trying to sleep...

*Snap outta it* how? I'm asking myself. Bz, i must be bz... neopets, friendster, irc, icq... No to sad stuff on cresp's advice. So if i'm at home, i target sports n funny shows to watch. No songs for me now, can't be bothered to dig out the happy songs in my collection of mp3s.

One of my jie meis getting married next year in Dec... Time really flies. So happy for her... I know i'm happy for her, deep down in my heart, but, I can't c myself smile...

Even whn Man Uted won the match just now... I was "yay-ing" away in the channel, but, i dun c myself smile...

I feel like i'm a total wreck... Total wreck... Wreckage is me... Dun call me Jas, call me Wreck...

Depression.... Depression...

Its true... I think i'm in a bout of depression thingy. I really dunno why... It's been a month already, a fucking long month, the longest period I ever had.

I keep telling myself I'm ok, I'm fine, I'm happy but somehow the hormones got my brain. Here I am feeling miserable not knowing the fucking reason why. Here I'm crying for no fucking reason. For one whole fucking month! Argh! WTF!

I can't tok to anyone not even myself. I even lost my own pillar of strenght inside me. y? Mayb I've been stayin at home doin my own stuff? I don't even have the fucking paitience n mood to play neopets, searching for items at a low price n selling them at a higher price. Hope the China trip will cheer me up... Hope... Toked to cresp, our trivia's pharmacist who has very good medical knowledge, he said "in depression no motivation to do anything". I think i'm really in depression.

For the past 36 hours, I've only ingested one plate of sushi (conveyer belt size), a chawanmushi and a cup of Horlicks. My mum cooked dinner just now, all i ate was an equavilent of 1/8 of a potato n 1/4 of a leaf of cabbage. For desserts 2 tablespoons of ice cream n half a bowl of bird's nest. And to think bird's nest is my fave, I only managed half a bowl. My stomach's calling for help, but I dun feel like eating. Hope I dun get any eating disorder.

Channel 8's showing a new serial now wif Zoe Tay suffering from post-natal depression. Damn it! I really behave like her. Whn i c her, i c a mirror image of myself... The screamings the cryings... I really dunno wht to do or wht to think abt ystday, so i went to zzz and left my nick in irc as pacedsob. Whn i woke 5+ hours later, some of the closer pple in trivia pm me, showing their concern... Thanks guys, you're all the best irc frds i have...