Monday, July 10, 2006

PMS? Paranoid? Feeling Depressed?

It's a period of time, again, when things bother you and you dunno if its real and you dunno why you r thinking like that n you dunno if it's becos of PMS or becos you are feeling depressed and down or becos you are just being plain paranoid.

I think some pple are gossiping behind my back. they are saying i'm very bimbotic and my breath stinks. i can't help it. i try to be optimistic and paint a nice picture that everything's fine but i just can't help it.

as a matter of fact, i don't think i'm pretty enough to be a bimbo. its just that i'm very naive and take n view things in a naive way. i say wht i feel, very blunt n straightfoward n dun bother to use my pea-sized brain to think if the things i say are diplomatic enough or not. for eg: when A tells me not so nice things about B, i'll try to neutralize things and help B to explain matters. then when B comes to tell me not so nice things about A, i'd do the same. i do that becos i like the "one big happy family" feeling. i believe if you're nice n treat others with respect, others will treat u like that too. i go round treating everyone nice without thinking if they are holding knives behind me, ready to just stab me at the back anytime, even if they are all smiles in front of me. i'm so naive to the point that if i got stabbed, bleeding badly with a major artery damaged, i still would not know n still treat that person as a friend.

which i guess is one of the reasons why someone actually treatened to beat me up during my secondary school days. also, that's a reason why i have never been able to score in politics, in school or at work. n of cos things would be different during bitching sessions with a common target "enemy" in mind.

i can't help it if my breath sthinks. i hate it too! if it stinks my whole life, i really have no choice. if you know why, you might sympatise with me too. i had nose cancer n this stinko breath is a side effect due to the recovering wound.

another thing i'm paranoid abt is my relationship with Dear. I love him so so much that I really can't bear the thought of losing him, which was why i told myself i have to win over the cancer cells n survive. Our love for each other is a major pillar of strength that is keeping me going to recover fully. however, as we're nearing our 2nd year anniversary, i can't help but think that things might happen. My longest previous relationship was 1 year 11 months. Dear was 2 years 3 months. our longest pervious relationships all ended around 2 years. so, i can't help but think that i might not be mrs. wong afterall. i'm so so afraid that history might repeat itself, n i'm trying so so hard not to let it happen. that y sometimes i ask Dear, "Will you dun wan me?". his reply would be, "if you treat me nicer, i won't dun wan you." then when he see me like wana cry, he would then say, "won't dun wan you." but still assurance is still not enough, n i really dunno y i'll still so scared n dunno what else can assure me.

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