Power Trip

Got caught in the stupid power trip ystday nite which affected half of singapore.

dunno wht else to write... life's in a void now... gotta sleep soon cos euro semi-finals is on later...

OT & OT

Fucking tired... sleepy... OT n OT... when i wan it, i dun have it... whn i dun wan it, i have it... Been knocking off at an average of 8pm since last monday... tmr will be another long day... 99.9% i'll be taking a cab, again...

Sad endings...

My Sassy Girl, its supposed to be a comedy... but for a third time i'm watching it, i'm still crying... the characters have a happy ending, but i dun...

Just like at ktv ystday... i was singing ting bu dao... those who has seen the mtv will know its done to tell a story. as i was singing sad songs thruout the nite, someone (i forgot whom) teased me saying, sad song again... xiang said it was a happy ending in the end... i looked at him n said, but i got sad ending...

If you're reading this, you know who you are. I really dun have the courage to tell u that I still love you a lot... I still love you deeply. I miss you, your hugs, your kisses... I miss the feeling of having you beside me... I've nvr felt so so bad b4. Guess i've fallen hard... *smack* deep hard...
Usually i'll fall into my "ideal" guy trap, where i'm distracted by this "ideal" and would treat my bf a little cold or even comtemplate leaving him... and somehow this guy just appeared. and he is more ideal then my "ideal"... But its just weird that this fella cant even distract me away from you. I admit, i was kinda attracted to him, but that attraction did not develop into any liking or feelings at all... it just made me feel guilty... guilty cos i know i still love you and that you're the only one in my heart. that attraction did nothing but pushed me more towards you...
Mayb cos i really loved you too deeply... But i guess i'll be ok... i'm wounded now but wounds will heal... i'm sad now, but sadness will fade... my heart is bleeding now, but (hopefully) soon it will stop. but it'll take a while... for how long? i have no idea... on a light note, u're the record breaker... breaking the record for the guy i cried the most for...

Happy Birthday to me...

Penalty shootouts and england.. dun go at all... its like a "tradition" thing. haiz... n we still had to go into it after drawing protugal in extra time...

My bday... my colleagues organised to drive out of office to eat lunch. Not often we do that. and it was a treat! hehe...

in the evening we wnt karaoke... all commented y such a happy occasion, i sing sad sad songs... I can only try to stay n look happy for the time being, but actually my heart is bleeding inside. After he called to say happy birthday, i broke down. half of me was hoping he'll sms happy bday. half of me was hoping he would ask if i was still angry... but he called... to wish n to ask... n i just broke down...

everyone in the room knew i cried... those sitting beside me were xiang n faridah. faridah put her arms ard me while i broke down, n i could only cover my face with my windbreaker. xiang could only say, today yr bday, dun cry... jing ge ge later told me whn on the cab home that xiang scared gals cry... heh... my 2 big kor kor in the company (thy always look out for me) jing ge ge n bob can only look at me to c if i'm ok cos thy sitting not very near...

today see those ntu pple last day... with them more lively more fun cos thy ard my age... n aso one less person to look out for me... jing ge ge has always been there for me, telling me to keep out of certain pple or who to be wary of, n listenin to me n my probs. xiang dunno head dunno tail, but know a bit of wht's going on n still can console me... not too close to sumantri though, but i know he's a big joker... gonna miss the 3 of them...

Pissssssssssssssssssssssed.............

Servers gettin bz nowdays. Had to refresh soooooo many times in order to post. Not just today. Tried for a few days liao... In the midst, I forgot wht i wana write but there's something i wun forget to...

i wan to write abt a fucked up inconsiderate childish brainless idiotic bitch. (tt's the least of adjectives to describe abt her, wana give her some face n respect...) Here's wht happen...
my hp rings... displaying "Jester"...
me: hello? hello?
background: (in chinese) Yijie, i dun care, i wan you to explain matters to her (repeatedly)
me: hello? hello?
phone gets cut off...

When i called back, this ex-bf (we just broke up 2 sundays ago) could only jus say tt she was drunk, his hp was just lying around n it was meant as a joke. A joke!??!?! my goodness! lame excuse rite? joke or not, I was so fucking pissed (which i dunn think my ex-bf understand y) that i wanted her to apologise to me, which she did 2 hours later with a fucked up attititude, which i tot y in the first place she even bothered. by the way, he hung up the phone on me too...

I was pissed cos i still love this guy a lot n he repeatedly told me tt was no 3rd party.
2nd reason i was pissed cos i cant imagine someone ard my age, drunk or not, would do this kinda stupid thing... Imagine her doing this to a couple who still love each other (not me lah) who are in a midst of cold war, i think she would just end things for them, not just end the cold war...
3rd reason, my ex-bf not explaining matters much, n it din help that whn i was tokin to him, that fucker was saying these in chinese in the background "yijie, u tok to her the whole day, wht abt me?", "yijie, tell her straight lah...".
4th reason, ANY ONE should know not to crack this kinda jokes to couples or couples who just broke up not long ago. If this has happened a whole month later, it would have no effect on me.

So far in year 2004, i've nvr been soooo pissed. More pissed whn some idiot took so long to realease my PRs. I could feel my blood pressure going up! Honestly, i'm still pissed cos nothing has been explained so far n i'm still waiting to hear the "story"

England's shock defeat... Speechless...

From 3 points to a big fat zero...

penalties are 50-50 kinda thing. its either u win or lose the guessing game... dun blame becks...
tackles are 50-50 kinda thing. its either the fella trips or falls or not... dun blame heskey...
backpasses... its a clever thing or not. from 3 to 1 point to a big fat zero, blame him, steven gerrard...

with few seconds remaining, whether or not u're contend with that one point or u wana try for 3 points again, u play forward... whr got pple backpass in the last few seconds of the game one?!?! k, now there's a fucking idiot who did that... Steven Gerrard. btw, did i mention he's a liverpui player? guess he left his brains in anfield. either that, he's of french descent...

n bcos of that fucking stupid idiotic backpass, david james indirectly conceded a penalty... zico won the guessing game and england lost... after the penalty was conceded, i was already shouting n scolding away in my most colourful language. din help that the penalty was scored and my dad was woken up...

Pls ban gerrard from future england games... once is enuff... either that, buy another air ticket to fly his brains from anfield to lisbon by thursday...

SPEECHLESS...

Drunk enough to be sober...

Been quite some time since i updated my diary. Decided to come in here to blabber a bit b4 the the england ns france match.

painted my nails just now... been a long time since i painted my nails... painting nails is such a thereputic thing... managed to calm down a little...

Friday nite, on the 11th, went to cheong again wif the mei chin pple. john's bday was on the 12th, and we got him really drunk. guess it'll be the same for me 2 wkends later, on my bady... we wnt mdm wong, music was great, some sort like chinajump n chinablack, retro, top 40's, r&b, hip hop kinda... really controlled my drinking. drunk enough to have enough courage to thnk thru certain things... drunk enough to be sober enuff to make sure i can think them thru. n i had to be sober enuff cos bday boy was sure to be drunk and another frd was gog thru a tough time wif a guy... that remains 5 pple to take care of us, if i really got drunk, so i cant afford to get drunk rite?

Head was throbbing madly but luckily i din puke. same kinda throbbing head on the may 16th whn i went to dbl o wif jing ge ge, wx and wx's frds, but no puke this time round. i had to stay up n stay sober and not puke. had to hide the sad fact of life from this group of frds whom i dun really c much...

Slept the whole nite thru on sat, missing the opening matches for euro... woke up only at 1pm on sunday. crazy me, sleep so much...went to bed again in the evening... so i can get enuff zzz to last me thru till i knock off work later. n i did something drastic... i let go...i really did... at last... been holding on for too long... at last i had the courage. nvr mind that i'll be depressed n risk gog back to the dark pit, i had to... i really had to...

whoever's gog to cheong wif me on my bday wkend, pls take care of me... i'll not control liao... i think i cant control aso, sure kena made drunk by these pple... guess i'll b dead drunk n would need help gog home. i think i will... let the drinks pour...

F.I.R, the Fairyland In Reality...

Listening to F.I.R's album, my sis bought it so i borrowed it from her. the entire album is making me cry. Every single song, yes every single one... I'm like being possessed. Every song is like telling me to buck up and move on, givin me strength. Been listening to them in the office for the past few days too, the entire day, putting the disc on repeat mode. repeating the songs non-stop. From Fly Away, Lydia, Liu Lang Zhe Zhi Ge, Wo Men De Ai, Guang Mang, Ni De Wei Xiao, Ta Luo Pai, Huo Le Yuan, Revolution to You Make Me Want To Fall In Love.

The first 5 are the "waking up", true-to-fact and strength giving songs... Ni De Wei Xiao is abt my feelings for Baby... Ta Luo Pai is giving a bit of strength telling me my future is how i wan it to be, not in control of others... Huo Le Yuan is abt my feelings of loss... Revolution is abt breaking free... Last one is almost like my final words, final comments, like a wrap up... Even the track layout is so tied into my feelings, my emotions.

mayb is the "rock" to it, i can shout out the lyrics and my fustrations and go hey-wire, shaking my head, jumping up and down with it. F.I.R, the Fairyland In Reality... I want that fairyland soon, i need to leave, far far away... very very far away... that way, that fairyland will become a reality...

True blue cancerian

A few more minutes b4 England vs Japan friendly. decided to blabber here for a while.

My sis was watching a taiwanese serial just now. within 2 discs, 2 episodes, 2 hours, i went thru a lot of thoughts. thoughts that will sadden me. thoughts that will make me cry. plus the fact that i wasn't feelin at all too good.

sunday night, reached home n was thinking abt some stuff. maybe i think too much tts y fell sick eventually. was sneezing since friday...

monday, slept during lunch. colleague called me up 3 times, but i din even wake up. guess the medicine really made me drowsy. too heavy a head, too drowsy to think abt anything at all... slept early...

whn i reached home just now, i shed a few tears quietly in my room. i really need to break down... but melissa manchester sings "dun cry out loud, just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings... fly high and proud, and if you shld fall, remb you almost had it all" so i held back.

held back all the way till abt 1.30. after watching the vcds. since i know my parents wun be sleeping soon, i had to keep myself occupied. so i got dad to drive us out for supper. now that thy're asleep, i can cry out loud at last.

i'm a true blue cancerian. n i really HATE it. y am i a cancerian? mayb i shld stop saying all these to prevent self fulfilling prophecies. but SFP or not, i very, extremely sentimental n emotional. isn't tt wht a cancerian really is like? c, its not SFP...

i would still think abt the things and feelings that happened eons ago... Like the park at my place whr i used to hang out wif L. the spot at ex-WTC, now habourfront, whr i held F for the last time. that feeling i had whn i n C first held hands. I and Baby's first kiss at hotel new world in genting. is everyone like tt, or am i the only one?

Mayb i know y i like F.I.R's songs now. listen to their "lydia" and "fly away", thy r comforting yet strong at the same time. Used to find comfort in Liang Jing Ru's songs but thy make me cry. F.I.R is diff, yes, i still cry, but thy tok abt strenghtening yrself up and leave the past BEHIND... something which i cant do...

d taiwanese serial set me thinkin too. Like i had said b4... Things will not always happen in the way you want it to happen... Love is something that can't be controlled, you can only supress it... No point asking why or how come, just do your best to solve the problem... Love is difficult subject, but people still pass it with flying colours afterall, cos they made the effort... The serial has its characters gog thru these in just those 2 epis.

Sometimes things are done in a spur of moment, but after some time has past n some careful consideration, mayb it was a wrong taken step... since it was a wrong taken step, do u just forget everything tt has happened, blank out that period of time and revert back to the "good old days"? i would prefer that to happen, but am i able to do it? yes, i think i could... but u cant stop me from thinking and feeling the past, aft all i'm a true blue cancerian... but it still takes 2 hands to clap...

23rd bday resolution... Dont leave WIF the past, leave them BEHIND. so find me a noisy or quiet place on tt day n bring me there. like a pub or east coast. let me shout the past and the nite away... hmm, east coast wif planes flying by sounds good. quiet enough to cry, noisy enough to shout. but i need a shoulder (to cry), tissues (to wipe my tears) and a chauffeur (a gal alone at east coast at nite is very dangerous and cab fare is expensive... i live in the WEST). any volunteers?