Thursday, April 03, 2008

It's For Real...

Blame it on my sensitivity and insecurity which have been with me for years.

I gotta admit you are quite a good catch albeit being a little round.
Although I do know there is no one else, it does not help that sometimes you would mention "find er nai".
Although I do know you love me only, it does not help that sometimes you mention that so many other girls out there would want you and can maybe consider.

Whenever I ask if you will not want me, ambiguous answers like "consider lah" does not help pacify a wondering insecure mind. You say I keep asking and it is very tiresome, but what are the answers are you giving me? Sometimes I have to ask a few times in a row before you give a reluctant "want lah".
Have you ever wondered if you had not given any ambiguous answer in the beginning, I would not keep asking.

Through your actions, I know how much you care about for me and love me, but your egoistic mouth says otherwise. It is because of the question marks that you give me then I would feel insecure. And now you are scolding me because I feel insecure.
You say you can't keep pacifying me, but it takes 2 hands to clap and it is a cause and effect thingy. I know you are too egoistic to say "I love you", but sometimes I really need real answers from you mah.

I can stop feeling insecure but it takes time.
I can stop feeling insecure but you have to stop the question marks.
I can stop feeling insecure if I stop doubting myself that I am good enough.
I can stop feeling insecure if you would lessen the words that would lead me to think that there are other girls that you can choose from.

From day 1, you know I am sensitive and insecure. I know you don't mean it, I know I'm being sensitive and insecure. It is not that I do not trust you.
And maybe you are right that since I'm not a perfect healthy person, no one else will want me because of the future burden except you. And maybe because of this, and the question marks, I feel insecure.

Characteristics are unlike habits which can be changed overnite. But if you don't help me, who will?
I know you can't stop saying such things because this is who you are. From egoistic to romantic, no one will be able to do it. But stop blaming and saying that I'm insecure. It would not help, right?
I'll just have to accept that you would not verbally tell me how much you love me and want me and then you'll have also to accept that I would feel insecure. I can't expect you to sweeten your words just to make me feel secure. It would not be correct, right?

I'm really sad and pissed. "Late night show" that led to a quarrel... All because I was really not comfortable. I was really worked up.

17 comments:

Wen said...

hey babe, your post reminds me of my bf & i... he's also egoistical & unromantic... haiz...

+ a dota addict too!!! but the last point doesn't really affect me... coz i also play dota, haha.

hope things get better for you! guys can be soooo insensitive at times *hugz*

Jas aka paced said...

Thanks babe!

Dingo said...

All jokes aside,

From a guy's point of view, sometimes ar its hard to bo tai bo chi say 'I love you'. Guys tend to use action to show their love, no words.

With that said, I understand that girls need the assurance. I'm sure ya not the only girl that feels insecure, sometimes. I applaud you for letting out your feelings regarding matters like this. Sometimes, we guys are quite dense and can't really read the mind of our girls. haha

Life has its ups and down, having to managed your own life and to a certain extent another person's too is definitely not easy, but once you managed to get the hang of things, the rewards are quite handsome really.

Although I was not really impressed with the following,

'And maybe you are right that since I'm not a perfect healthy person, no one else will want me because of the future burden except you.'

If you start doubting yourself, then no amount of encouragement from other people will help. One must know how to appreciate oneself, before others can appreciate him/her.

Have more confidence girl!

You'll managed, I know you can, I mean you beat the crap out of cancer!! what is this compared to that?!

Don't fall so easily, Live strong.

I wish you guys all the best.

chillycraps said...

let's organize a gathering to beat mr paced up...

Jas aka paced said...

chaosdingo: thanks for the encouragement and pep talk. really appreciate. This is the number-less-than-10th-time i read a comment and cried. Thanks for finding the word I was finding, "assurance".
I totally agree that not all guys can bo tai bo chi say "i love you" and even if they do, these are the type of guys that girls must be slightly careful about. But then again, girls need assurance.

CC: don't use violence k?

I can live with egoistical and unromantic guys. I've lived with this one for 3.5 years. But end of the day, I still need some assurance mah. In terms of assurance, right now, I'm not asking for a proposal ring. I want to get married, but not dying to get married as yet as I'm not financially stable yet.
I just need you to give me 10-years-series-model kinda answers when I ask if you if you will not want me... not answers like "consider lah" and then when I start to be unhappy, then say a relunctant "will lah". Sometimes I would wonder if the "will lah" is used to pacify me cos I'm unhappy or because you mean it...
If you can't provide, then you can't scold me for being insecure.

uray said...

my boyfren also like dat!!!
i think they r unable to provide us wif the security we need dats y we feel insecure!

its not a one-sided problem here man!!

actually i think guys r selfish creatures. HAHAHA

Jas aka paced said...

lol@uray

The Bimbo said...

mmm My Love is a self-declared MCP... who constantly says things that make me jealous... and worse still he hasn't been by my side for the last 6 months as he is working in China... and he still continues to say such things, until I make a stern voice and ask him if he is joking or saying the truth.

I know how it feels *sayang* I dun even want to get married just want to feel loved once in a while and be told so.

Well how do I deal I dunno. But I guess... you're not alone babe. Jia you!

Jas aka paced said...

bobo: Thanks! I guess all girls want to feel loved once in a while and not only on special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries. Hehe...

Xizor2000 said...

I see an impasse here. It would appear to me Paced felt dhope's actions are the very reason she is feeling insecure while dhope felt she is bring her insecurity from some other past events into the relationship.

This is how I see it: dhope says certain things for fun --> Pace felt insecure / unhappy about them and ask for assurance -> dhope scold pace for being insecure -> pace now felt even more insecure becose dhope say those things.

Don't mind I say this, it's like a dog chasing its own tail. see tail -> chase -> tail move away -> chase some more.

In the end both of you will be tired of this relationship. Both of you have gone through an even tougher part in your relationship before. Why let this get in the way? :)

Jas aka paced said...

XZ: Which is why I'm saying we just have to accept that I'm insecure because of his words and he cannot scold nor blame me for feeling insecure. It's a cause and effect thingy and it takes 2 hands to clap...

I guess the saying that men are from mars while women are from venus is correct.

Priss said...

Eh paced. I used to be like you too. But after a while, the insecurity destroys the relationship...

Now, I don't really care so much about feeling secure/insecure, and not that I care any less about my boyfriend. But the relationship becomes much less tense, and much more comfortable. You should try to control your insecurities and see if it might help? and if any guys were to make insensitive jokes about other girls knowing that you mind him doing so, maybe you should consider finding another guy. or, give him a chance to stop doing that.

Jas aka paced said...

priss: I'm trying, but it's a character, not a habit. Been like that since young... Can't be dissolved overnite.
Maybe I've been controlling so much that the volcano just erupted? Heh... I really don't know...

Aaron Peng said...

Thankfully i don't have a bf like that...

Eh wait. I don't have boyfriends in the first place.

Hmm, Paced. You're really a very nice person, and all that i see that is lacking, is your self confidence.

You are ill yes.
But don't let that illness define you.

We know you as Jasmine, Paced, someone who's sweet, pretty and has faced much difficulty to be where she is today, successfully pursuing the course of education that she likes, still strongly battling cancer.

You are a living legend to us, that if we are strong and believe we can, anything is possible.

Believe it or not, i'm really glad to have met you.

Now instill some more confidence in yourself before we bring you out and stuff you full of ice cream!

Aaron

Jas aka paced said...

Aaron: I don't know, but I guess its not so much self confidence or not, there are things I'm confident about. But I guess that might or might not come into play with insecurity but both are not the same thing...

PJ said...

Hi Jas,

Hope everything's fine btw u n him.. dun give up okie? u guys have been thru so much and ur r/s is a living testimony for everyone ard u. Put ur trust in the Lord.. u're make perfect in His eyes =)

Jiemeis love Jas for whom she is!

PJ

Jas aka paced said...

Thanks gal!