Monday, October 03, 2005


Tossing n turning in bed, no idea y i can't get to sleep. no idea y sleepless nites often happen the nite before my chemo! maybe i'm too excited? maybe i'm too worried? mayb i'm thinking too much? no idea...
as usual, tmr i'll have to take blood test first. can chemo, do... cannot, take booster, return the next day...

while i was reading my study bible just now (its a bible accompanied with paras explaining certain verses), i came across some paras n reminded me about this stranger, a stranger whom i'd call B for now, someone who i believe is very kind. so since i cant sleep, i might as well come n type something in here that i was thinking about.

i know of some frds who know of my condition but chose to keep quiet cos i guess they dunno wht to say. i got a poly frd whom left a very short friendster msg saying "get well soon". i got other friendster msg n smses with similar meanings, some even offering visits. regardless of whether its just 3 words or a wholesome lot, i really appreciate cos battling alone is boring n no fun.

B, someone whom i dunno, left me a friendster msg that left me touched n pleasantly surprised. knowing a stranger that knows of my condition even spurs me on further to fight. i'm no attention seeker n its not that i wish everyone knows of my condition. but pple who knows me knows that i'm d sorta type of person who dun like frds to get upset or worried over me. so u can actually imagine how i felt whn i was hearing one of my jie meis crying over the phone whn she called me once i discovered i was sick. my heart almost broke then while crying along with her n while pretending to be strong. because of all these "so-called" attention, because of all these loving concerns, its only spurs n urges me to fight n win the battle. so i was really touched when B left me the friendster msg, cos it was a person whom i hardly knew, urging me on to fight n win!

now it just leads me to ponder how many more of my frds out thr actually know i'm sick. and also who was that fella called Noire who pm-ed me on irc (yes, i still "play" irc cos there's a great trivia channel) while i was 'parking' (a term for staying on the channel but not talking n no 'movement') saying "jas, be strong and cheerful even when the going gets tough.. when your heart is light and joyful and your head is clear.. your body might feel better and heal faster. I will pray for you all the time." this fella knew my name, but i had not seen this nick b4. if by any chance any of u who knows i'm sick but yet to contact me, or anyone who knows who's Noire or if you're Noire, pls do b kind, drop me an sms or a friendster msg to let me know i'm still alive n on my way to victory. call me a sucker for attention, call me thick skin, call me whtever. letting me know u're out there really lets me know that i'm still alive n kicking n that i'm still human. pls let those sms or friendster msg keep coming in.

another person really deservering mention is my loving dearest dear dear. although i look like a freak now, balding n super freakishly skinny, he still says that he loves me deep deep n that i'm still the most beautiful gal in d world. hehe...

to everyone else who has been thr all along letting me know i'm still alive, thanks so much n God will definately bless your kindest soul.

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