Fever-free

In a few hours time, I'm gog for my chemo again... to make things easier for everyone to count chemo weeks n rest weeks, here's the formula...
1st wed - chemo
2nd wed - chemo
3rd wed - rest
4th wed - chemo
5th wed - chemo
6th wed - rest
every 3 weds make up one cycle, n now, i'm on my 4th wk, which means starting of my 2nd cycle. it will go on till i complete 8 cycles.

since i started chemo, i've nvr been feeling better. i offically declare i'm fever-free! yay! no more fevers n feeling lethargic. although after the chemos i feel a bit sleepy n tired, usually by sunday i'm feeling all charged up again.

starting to feel the rotting feeling, staying at home. esp so during the chemo weeks. its only during the rest weeks my parents feel more comfy for me to go out. whn at home, i watch tv, vcds or read my bible. sigh, wht else can i do besides these n rotting? i told my mum, cannot stand it, everyday sit at home n rot, so during the rest weeks they must let me go out. but still, its only for a while. i understand their worries, cos my white blood cells count always on the low end.

so these few days, i've been eating lots of protein, esp egg whites on the advise of my doc n the nurses there. now very scared will have gout in future, but then no choice...

Start of 2 weeks rest...

The previous entry is an utter mess. y? cos of the wrong grammars n typos... well, tt's would actually tell wht kinda situation i was in... the seh, blur, groggy, drowsy one... anyway tt was after my 1st chemo.

Now, let me explain wht's gog to happen during my chemo... last wed was a 1st half dose, followed by the day b4 on wed which is one week later, the 2nd half dose. this makes up one cycle. after each cycle, i'm rested for 2 weeks and the whole thing continues. 2 wednesdays of chemo, followed by 2 weeks of rest, but returning for blood tests. total: 6-8 cycles, depending on my situation...

Every time after chemo, i'll b given 2 medication to take. Kytril, to be taken b4 breakfast n dinner on wednesdays till fridays. Stemetil, for anti-vomitting, to be taken b4 every single meal from thursday till mondays. Stemetil is the irritating one tt puts me to sleep which caused whtever happened during the last entry. i was supposed to take 2 Stemetils but now after complaining to my doc, my dosage is reduced to 1 instead. guess tt would explain why i'm "alive n kicking" now...

B4 each chemo, blood is taken for the blood count. this time round, my white n red blood count were slightly lower then wht thy favoured. thus, i was given 2 jabs n an additional iron drip... these additional stuff caused me another additional 45 mins of time there, with a needle inside me!!! yes, till now, so many injections n blood tests later, i'm still afraid of needles!!! Damn, so i told myself, must eat more n build up my body to avoid these additional stuff... these additional stuff aso cost money. no point in giving this kinda money where with proper diet, it can be solved.

During these 2 weeks of rest, i'll eat more, gain weight, gain RBC n WBC, gain whtever need to gain... Meanwhile, i hope lesser occurance of fevers n the tumors all go to die!!! tumors get smaller n smaller n my liver get better n better too! yay!

I need chemo...

Here i am, lyin in bed, usin my sis' laptop. i cant sit up for too long as i tend to start to lose focus...

On wed, the docs offically said the cancer cells have spread to the bones n pasr of the liver. my chemo oncologist ummediately gave me my 1st dose of chemo. during the whole process, i felt tired n sleepy. aft tt was worrse. the next few days, including today, i was feeling sleepy the whole day. luckily medication was given to prevent vomitting.

its tough, lyin in bed most of the time, with fever, but without those irritatin backaches...

Unfavourable PET scan...

Saturday: Urine and blood test did not show any alarming things. but since my condition did not improve, n i'm still having fever n aches, my doc referred me for a PET scan to c wht was wrong. went to get the referral letter from the clinic n went to Asia-Medic for briefing. there, i was given 4 pills of laxative n told wht to eat, wht not to n wht time to start fasting.

Sunday: out of the list of can-eat stuff, i told my mum i only wanted boiled potatoes. it felt like war time when u have nothin to eat except potatoes... i cant even drink milk or barley, only plain water, n lots of it. but i had not much appetite cos its kinda boring eating potatoes only. so i took half a potato, n took my panadol as usual n 2 pills of laxative. but it was only till 6+ i managed to shit. kinda gross cos it was so watery...
so for dinner, i took another half a potato n took the remainin 2 pills n my panadol as usual... effect was faster now, n i went to shit, but i could only feel water. as i had to fast from midnite till the scan finished ard 12+ in the afternoon, 12 hours without food sure feel a bit weak... so at 11, i started eating my potatoes again. this time round, i ate one whole potato, only to go n shit.
went to zzz ard 1 after taking my panadol. only to wake up at 4am to shit water again...

Today: woke up at 6+, close to 7, running a temperature again. the recep was telling me on saturday during the briefing that if i have a fever, i might not be able to do the scan. so in desperation, i took 2 panadols, put on an ice pack, covered myself with a blanket fully, n proceed to perspire. but by the time i managed to get myself perspiring, it was already abt 7.45. time was tite as i have to reach there by 9 thus, have to leave the house ard 8.45 latest. i sweated it out for another half an hour b4 gog to bathe, but my temp's still there. however, luckily when thy started to prepare me for the scan, my temp was down to norm...
there i was, lying in the room. my blood sugar level was taken. it felt like the time when we are tested for our blood group whn we made our ICs. then the doc came to inject a vaulve looking thing into my hand, it looks more complicated then those injected for drips. with the thing left in my hand, i was asked to swallow a pill with some barium liquid. the pill was supposed to make my muscles relax n the liquid was for the contrast in the intestines. just whn i was abt to fall asleep, they came in to inject the isotopes thru the vaulve looking thing. after injecting, i was radioactive n i fell asleep.
but not for long, i was woken up again to start the scan. the vaulve looking thing still intact! on the scanning machine bed, i was asked to lie with my arms up. cleverly, my hands were overlapped to avoid putting pressure on the vaulve looking thing. my arms were strapped to avoid any movement. while scanning, i fell asleep. it was only when thy wanted me to drop my arms, take away the pillow supporting my head n replace it with a blanket n strap my head to prevent it from moving, i woke up again. while scanning my head, i fell asleep again... when the whole thing was done, i woke up... tt was only when the vaulve looking thing was taken out from my hand.
next was some body fat scan thingy. damn freaking noisy... first it sounded like drums tapping, thn it sounded like drilling. thereafter, at last, i could go. instead of hanging ard town to wait for the results, i told my dad to drive home first...
i was rite in gog home first. 1pm was here, time for panadol. n of cos, since the panadol already wore off, the aches came back. heated packs to the rescue! then ard 2+, we made our way down to get the results. after collectin the results, we went to look for my doc.
apparently, there are "shadows" n hot spots on my ribs, spine, hips n liver. these dun look nor sound good. my doc immediately called my oncologist but he was outta town. so an appointment was made to c my oncologist on wed. so now its suspense till wed...

sigh sigh sigh...

Striving to be normally mobile...

The urine culture test results was out on tuesday evening. but it's still fustrating n fucked up... after my urine was collected on saturday, it was placed in the fridge to be send to the lab on monday. my mum called up my doc on tuesday morning to check whn we can collect the results as i have to my oncologist on wednesday. so, my doc called the lab, n the lab said it was not rdy. later in the evening, i got a call from the doc, saying the results r rdy n i can collect them wed morning just b4 i go c my oncologist.

so ystday morning, i reached my doc's at 10 n collected the results. upon opening the envelope, it was shockingly confusing as i didn't know to be happy or scared or sad. the results said there was no bacterial growth. but since my doc would only come in later, i went down from shaw tower to mt elizabeth to c my oncologist 1st. i gave my oncologist the reports n he gave a call to my doc. apparently, my doc was one year his senior in college. hearing them speak was damn funny. it went like this...
kth(oncologist): hi, is this dr bain n partners? i'm dr khor here, can i speak to dr yeong?
recep put thru the call...
kth: seng coo, tong hong here. (note the address of names, not dr yeong, dr khor... hahahaha) this is regarding our mutual patient, jasmine. ... ... i'm at my wits ends already, its been 4 weeks she's having this back ache n pains... ... ... see wht u can do to help her...

so after this call, i made my way down back to shaw tower to c my doc. he was equally fustrated n angry at the lab cos since the urine test showed abnormalities, how can the urine culture show nothing. n wht did not even make sense was whn thy called the lab, thy say it was not rdy, thn a few hours later, thy said it was. my doc said sekali jus to push the results out, thy might have mixed up the results or even just say the urine culture had nothing. another reason might becos the urine was in the fridge for one n a half days.

so, another urine sample was collected for the culture. so was my blood! he's gonna send the blood for tests for infections. apparently, between the 2 docs, thy believe i should not have such high fevers (spikes as thy call it) on n off. plus my back keeps aching n whn the trobs n "stabs" comes on, so does the fever. another cause of worry is that this has been for very long already n the area of pain is spreading... but doc said to be patient...
antibiotics given on saturday did not manage to help in anything. i believe if it does help to reduce the infection, i shouldn't feel as much pain n aches...

still, i have to continue my antibiotics as i have to finish the whole course. n of cos, my one every 6 hourly panadol. now one more pill added to reduce inflammation (if any). i feel like a yao guan zi (pill bottle). sianz... honestly, i'm sick of swallowing pills, sick of the aches n pains, sick of not being to be as mobile as before (i cant bend my back!), sick of the trobs n "stabs", sick of trying so hard to sit up straight or walk up straight, sick, just sick...

i wan to be normal... i want the same old me...
i wan to get up from a lying or sitting position without support or having something to pull me up. i wan my waist area to have some strength. i wan to bath standing up without feeling i'm gonna collaspe as i'm running outta strength.
i wan to stop relying on the stupid panadols. i dunno how many fucking boxes i've already taken!
i wana stop relying on the heated pack that gives me comfort from the pain, but makes me sweat like mad.
i wana stop having an additional towel below me as i sleep at nite cos i need my heated pack n i sweat. i wana stop having to sleep with a wet towel beside me on standby in case my fever comes back n i cant get up. i wana stop getting up in the middle of the nite n cant get back to sleep due to the trobs n stabs.
i wana shit normally, n not shit with a heated pack on standby with me, just in case i "kek" too hard n my back aches.
i wan to be able to bend my back to get my underwear from the drawer of my waredrobe n not use my toes to act as a tweezer n pick them out.
i wan to be able to do all these first... at least i dun feel like an old lady who cant be mobile.

between the fustratuion of not being able to eat spicy food n not being able to be mobile, the latter is getting on my nerves more... spicy food can wait, but mobility cant... i feel so useless not being to do the simplest thing of GETTING UP without support. i fully understand how stroke patients feel. only that they can use physiotherapy to help them, but i just ache n pain, ache n pain, trob n stabs, trob n stabs. on good days, i throw my heated pack aside for a few good hours n feel mobile. on bad days, i jus feel like tearing out the entire waist area n connect my chest with my hips n be normal.

i've no fucking idea how many times i cried over these aches n pains robbing me of my mobility. no fucking idea... all i know i din cried so much when i got diagnosed, lost my taste, lost my hair, had black patchy skin, looked like a freak. but my tears dun bring away my fustration. just fucking fustrated. just crying. just waiting, waiting for the next timing for my medication.