Thursday, April 28, 2005

A plea to Lord Jesus

Looking at the past entries, looking at life... What have I achieved so far? Nothing much to brag off.

Thinking about the entry which i said i had fallen sick for a few times the recent months. Fever, fatigue, headaches, was that an early warning sign? I had to wait till bleeding nose, stuffy nose, and swelling on the right side of my neck before i did anything about it. Mayb my dad was right... No doc would suspect it was serious till the swelling and bleeding get worse...

Thinking about the entry which i said that being friends is better then being lovers cos friends last longer then lovers. I choose to take that back now. Dear is there for me and I can never thank him enough... All these while, after knowing that I have to go for the biopsy, just because I "deh" him, saying that i'm a bing ren, he gives in to all my stupid nonsensical requests... all this while, he has been there loving and caring, loving and caring, loving and caring, so much so, i dun mind dying in his arms...

Life, oh Life... what is life? here I am, crossing an impt hurdle in my life, hand in hand wif my dear dear. Out of so many southern china men above 40, i'm diagnosed with "their" cancer.

Cancer, what is cancer? just a zodiac sign? Not only that... Its also an illness that hits u least when u know it. I dun feel much pain and aching... Its senseless and colourless... It not like a blue-black, where u see the colour and feel the pain. Not like a headache, where u feel your mind exploding. It feels nothing at all... Its only when u start on the treatment or when the cancer spreads to all parts of your body. That's when the pain kicks in... Pain which can be angonising... pain whish i have to bear for 2 angonising months during the treatment.

It all depends on if God wants me to reurn home to him soon or not... Honestly, I'm not prepared. There are still so much things I wana do! I have to win this tug of war!

God, let me stay here for as long as I can, let me mit you 50 years down the road instead. I really need more time here, there are things I just cant let go like that. Let this be a plea to you. Amen.

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