Whatever!

Another nite I can't fall asleep. It actually helps that I'm yawning, feeling tired, eyes droopin a little. But it does not help that when I lie in bed n close my eyes, I can't get to sleep and keep tossing and turning.

Issit radiotherapy or issit me? How come in the past, I can sleep easily at nite, even though I'm not tired. I would just lie in bed, blank out, zzz. Now, I lie in bed, blank out, mind active again (thinking about what to do tmr, whether alarm clock set, worry n panic about this and that, trying to recall whether I forget to do this and that) and just can't get to sleep. Did the x and gamma rays shoot my brain cells mad? sigh...

Nowhere

There but not there...
Here but not here...

I'm in the mood for blabbering again...

Sometimes, things happen when you least expect it. However, when you want it to happen, the chance/ fate/ opportunity/ timing just drifts away. When it does, it may or may not balances your life. So you try not to look back, face the road ahead, moving forwards, dumping the "whatever" behind bit by bit. But you need the "whatever", as a lesson or a reflecting moment, to learn from it. However, after learning from it, will you be able to leave it behind and move on?
Humans are weird creatures. When something is in front of you, you would take it for granted and not appreciate it. When it's gone, you will then start to wonder how come you have lost it and try to get it back. Sometimes, you are just in time to do that, sometimes, you're just too late.
What's love? To me, it means wanting to hug and embrace that fella every minute, every second and planting kisses all over his face. Even while talking on the phone, you would really want to reach into the phone and hold his hand if you could. That's me right now and it has got to a point where I would feel lost without him. I'm addicted to Dear. Appearance wise, he may not be that dream guy I envision since young, tall, good-looking, a bit of the bad-boy look (like David Beckham, Josh Hartnett, Luo Zhi Xiang) but he has the perfect character I want. There have been "ideal" guys, but the feelings I have for Dear is so deep, that's nowhere compared to those "ideal" guys.

I think I need a break, to stone, to get away, to whatever. The depressing feelings are sometimes a bit over-whelming and I blame it still on PMS although the "relative" has gone home. Hormones playing a fool again? I really don't know... 3 years ago, I was stuck in this deep dark hole for months and I don't want it to happen again!

I feel... stucked...

Things...

I really don't know what I want to write or type about, so bear with me while I blabber away...

- I'm going to write/ type properly. No "SMS-wordings".
- I can't get to sleep. Don't know if it's because of the teh-peng I had just now.
- I still think having cancer is more fortunate than having that particular muscular disease. Either I die or get cured. That, is just, die...
- I'm in a depressed mood. I just feel like crying and I just don't know why. This is the XXth time it's happening and I'll just blame it on the monthly "relative" visit.
- More than half of my MSN contacts are perpetually offline. I don't know if they just don't come online at all or they just don't switch on their MSN. Maybe they do come online, at the office during office hours, but some companies don't allow MSN-ing in the office. Having checked their personal email and surfing or doing whatever they need to do in the office, they need not even go online when they get home.
- Every working environment has its pros and cons. Take some, lose some. Ah, my dear colleagues of mine, if you're reading this, you can guess what I mean... If not, ask me at work lah. - There's this particular makan review of mine that I have not blogged yet. Will do it... Soon? Hopefully?
- For almost 2 months, I told myself to update my profile here and on Friendster. Finally been able to do it just now, because I can't get to sleep.
- Ruben Studdard's 3rd album, Return, has loads of fast-paced songs. Slower the better mah, can showcase his vocals. Tunes are catchy, but don't do much justice to his vocals. In case you're wondering if there was a 2nd album, there was, but it was a gospel album, thus not that "commercial".
- American Idol 2006: Kellie Pickler is officially the first alumni to release an album after the contest. (read: album, not single). Her album was released end of last month, so who's next? I've not heard it yet because the only copy in the store is a US import copy, slightly expensive so not within my budget to buy. (ok, I admit, I love Ruben Studdard, Kimberly Caldwell, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks, Kellie Pickler, Chris Daughtry from the American Idol franchise)
- I really fucking hate my fucking stinko breath. I can even smell it myself! Dr Khor calls this dried mucus thingy a "scab". So when can I fucking stop having this fucking stinko scab thingy?! It was so damn fucking bad that it smelt like fucking gross vomit the other day.
- At last, I yawned... K, a few more yawns and I'm ready for bed...
- I am still having a damn cold. Had a throbbing headache on the 3rd and when I woke up the next day, I was having a runny nose. Due to this stupid headache, I missed a friend's birthday party! Succumbed to fever finally on the 6th and got an MC. Till now, I'm still having the blardi runny nose. (Maybe my nose training for a marathon)
- 2nd yawn. K... Not so bad...
- 3rd one... K... But I still don't feel sleepy. 0313hrs, and I'm still typing away... I'm supposed to wake up at 0730hrs...
- 4th time I've yawned so far.
- EEKS! I smelt it! My breath stinks! Argh!
- England drew 1-1 with Holland in a friendly yesterday. Becks gave up the captain's armband after the World Cup a few months back. Till now, he has not been called up to the England squad...
- I just farted, and even my fart stinks! But I think my breath stinks more...
- I thought Myolie Wu would have won this year's TVB's Best Actress and/or Most Favourite Female Role. These 2 awards went to Charmaine Sheh instead, which is another of my favourite TVB actress. However, between the 2, I still would choose Myolie Wu.
- Yawned for the 5th time...
- 6 cartons of Jap stocks coming in. As of 1930hrs just now, none of it came in yet. Hopefully all very easy to rack...
- Before classes begin, our lecturers would always want us to read up our textbook. I was reading it on the bus to and from work. It's definately very boring to me. Politics, Economics and the Future of America, I wonder if I can even pass this module.
- In about 2 weeks time, I should be able to check online for my Advanced News Gathering and Writing results. Will my GPA stay or drop? I've got this stupid hunch that it would drop. Whatever! Stay tuned for results.
- Dear's JC friend, is getting married next Saturday. I had always thought I would only get to meet his girlfriend, or rather, would-be-wife, on the wedding day itself. It's just somehow me and her didn't managed to get to meet before. It was such a coincidence that they were shopping at HMV and I was working on that day. It was really nice spending that few minutes talking to the bride. Hehe... Oh, it happened on that day when I had the big headache.
- Actually not only 3 things happened on that "headache" day. Of couse besides having a headache, meeting the bride and groom and missing a friend's birthday, I also picked up a called from a customer who dropped his card. He called to check if he had dropped it in the store or somewhere else. Luckily, Security helped settled the matter.
- 6th yawn of the night.
- I'm getting better at spicy food. The spiciness level is getting higher and higher. Yay! I want to get back to the "standard" where I use french fries as a dip, rather than using the chilli sauce as a dip. ~Slurp~ Oh! And at least 3 packets of chilli sauce for a burger! Haha... As of June, it was less than half a packet. Now, it's three-quarters of a packet. Ganbatei!

Maybe I should try to sleep now... Yawn...

???

yes... ??? is the state of my life now...

rewind 2 years back. I gotta know a wonderful guy, someone I am spending the rest of my life with. 6 months later, a fucking pain in the ass called "cancer" came along n stuck with me. Not only did it stuck, it sucked in 2 ways too. It really sucks and gave me all kinda side effects n pains, n it sucked away about 5 decades of my lifespan away, leaving me with only 2 blardi months left. It also sucked me dry financially of all my little savings n sucked away a new job posting in a working environment which i really liked, the knowledge i would get from this job and the good prospects of getting a very good n stable job with these knowledge... along came 2 oncologist n killed cancer away. now i pray hard to whizz through the next 5 years smoothly n then get back the remaining 5 decades of lifespan back.

loss of lifespan settled... but something else not yet...

those very close to me would know i cant really get along with my family members. After the war ystday nite, i complained to Dear that the 3 other pple at home dun wana solve the problem. thy only know how to run away from it by asking each other to "shut up coz it's late at nite n its embarrassing to let the neighbours hear n dun wana risk getting having the matahs knocking on the door". Dear said, to solve it, is to move out... which i totally agree since 8 years ago.
since the age of 17, i told myself, once i have the moolah, i would move out n rent a place of my own. this arrangement would avoid having arguments n clashes with them. Although i love them, i really cant live with them. with that job, i had some savings already... with a new job posting, everything looked rosy, esp the finance n moving out part. then "friendly" cancer had to come knocking on the door of health. no job, no finances, no savings...

is there some way to finish my degree in less thn 2 years or get a part time job that pays at least $20 an hour? if these part time jobs include drinking, smoking, sexual realtions, mlm, sales, recruiting pple, drugs, pirated stuff or anything that break the laws, keep me outta them.

ah, might as well, gimme the $600K Toto jackpot... i'm not greedy... a 5+1 aso can...