Haven't written in a long time, but i'm not dead yet... still around, still alive, still miserable, still sad, still numb, still crying... still trying to keep myself noisy at work, cos if i'm too quiet, my colleagues will know i'm not rite... like wht Faridah say, if dun hear my voice, means something not rite. Motherly feeling she has there, i guess... which is actually quite true...
Been keeping myself busy... Shopping, registering with BBDC, taking passport photo, working, watchin tv, searching for songs on kazaa, blah blah... but, not excately busy enuff to stop thinking of him...
Been tryin to fall asleep every nite, but i had to cry first. after tossin n turning or pretending to be dead, thn i'll manage to fall asleep. and whn i do, its not deep sleep, somehow or rather, i'm like half awake cos i cant feel myself sleeping. messy dreams i'm having... no recollection of wht's gog on, but the scenes are always blurry, with loads of things n colours in them, switching scenes n places like no one's business. Thn my alarm sounds at 5.30, with me wakin up thinkin if i had indeed fell ASLEEP... hit the snooze for another 5 mins, n tt's whn i fall ASLEEP, waking up only at 6... Whn i'm in the office, i try so hard to keep my eyes open... n after work whn i reach home, i'm wide awake... haiz...
mayb i accidently hit my head or something while sleeping... always feels heavy... its like there's something always nudging the interiors... Gloria Gaynor sings I will survive... hope i will...
Sumantri came back to the plant for another 2 weeks after he gone back to indonesia. next week is his last week cos sch re-opening the following week. so is sabrina, our cute, lively, bubbly production planner... she's also leaving soon. although i'm not tt close to her, i'm gonna miss her cos not many pple in the plant have a "2" in front of their age with the same kinda talking frequency... after she moves to harbourfront, there'll be one gal less and one guy more!!! cos a guy called terrence will be taking over her position.
so, we had a farewell dinner just now for sabby. she sent me home after that. talked to her quite a bit in the car. if i really wana drop everything n go away, she'll be the one i need to tok to. she really talks sense and i almost cried in the car. i din tell her much, but like wht i said, we have the same talking freq. somehow or rather, wht she said really kicks the inner deeper thoughts of mine which i nvr really bothered. abt how gog away for a degree is good... abt how i should really sit down one day to think wht i really want and how i can achieve them... abt how gog away without any strings attached over here would be better... all the inner deep down buried thoughts which i nvr had to courage to ponder on them......
felt that i almost fainted today at home... was sitting down, wearing my shoe, beinding over to adjust the tongue of my shoe. whn i stood up, whole world was spinning and i almost fell back to the sofa. wht's the fucking problem with me?! haiz... mayb cos getting old... in the past i dun have this kinda spinning thingy...
Havent seen or heard from him... hopefully he can make it for the screenings nxt week... (baby) cya then...
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