Time to wake up...

stupid dumb experiment i did on myself... wanted to c wht r those weird feelings abt... so i tried as hard as i could, not to clam myself up n open my heart a little...

experiment findings: guilty feeling towards another (A) becos of someone else (B)... Want A to kinda give up becos of B... But at the same time, dare not open up to B becos of C... I'm such a loser, afraid of getting hurt again, afraid of a lot of things... tt's y after such a short while, i decided to end the experiment...

i dunno if its due to the stubborn traits of cancerians, no means no... close means close, no opening up... but thinking through, if i dun open up, C will always be thr, and it'll be fucking unfair for B... y am i such a bitch? mayb wht ken said might be bullseye... mayb i'm really starting to feel something, but its the baggage i'm still holding on to and i dun realise it... which i think might be true cos during the experiment, i think i did feel something...

this is so freaking irritating n confusing... mayb its just time to get outta comfort zone n wake up...

Everything... AGAIN...

Flu kicked in again... 3rd time in 6 months, or rather, less than that... place too dusty or i'm not getting enuff rest?

Confessions hurt... to a certain extend... Weird feelings going thru me now... Cant decipher them at all... just weird, funny, even funnier... getting to suspect there's NO such thing as platonic friendship anymore... y do things have to turn out tis way... ken jus put it, u're just too cute n attractive lah... i think otherwise... pissed at myself... damn fucking pissed... y cant i have a simple pure platonic friendship that will stay put n last tt way... y must it be always, in the middle of such a nice friendship, things happen AGAIN... i fucking hate it... it must be me... i fucking hate myself...

i give up... gonna rummage for flu medicine n pig out... nite nite world... till another day, i'll write down siew mai's story...

Physically drained...

So "happening" last 2 weeks that I feel physically drained out...

18th: Last IVP match of the season. After dinner met some frds, played pool. After pool, sit down, tok cock... Reached home at 4am...

19th: Woke up at 7.30am to be in time in Kallang for J-league. Saw history making when Teck Whye Alumini softball team won Singapore National softball team. Shiok! Left Kallang ard 4pm. whn i reached home, slacked, tired out, slept early.

20th to 23rd: Work, stress out, using too much brain juice. After work was driving lessons or running errands. Reaching home on the avg of 8pm everyday, tired out...

24th: After work, went up to JB wif my colleagues for seafood and cheesecake!!! at only 4.90RM per slice, it was wonderful... If only i could buy every single slice back to SG. Reached home at 9.40pm. Rushed to bath, change and take my mahjong set. Played mahjong till 4+am. Went for supper/breakfast. By the time i slept, it was 6am already.

25th: Woke up by my dad at 9am. But fell back to sleep. Every few mins, he would come to try to wake me up again. For the next 45 mins, it was just a few mins eye shut, driftin to sleep, only to wake up again. finally got my butt up, bathe, changed and went out for brunch wif my family. After that, we went suntec carrfour to buy groceries and some car accessories. Our car, SFM4850Y is officially a week's old! Reached home ard 230pm, set up everything we have bought in the car. Slacked at home from 3-4pm. Left the house again to mit the gals. Window shopped for a while and we went to sakae for dinner. Left at 8pm, took a cab n rushed home. Put down some stuff, took some stuff, mit some friends from wholivesnearyou.com for a mooncake thingy... chit chat, supper, tok cock, reached home at 4+am. Slept at 5am...

26th (today): woke up at 1pm. ate lunch, now headache is kicking in... damn...

Gastric --> Stomach ulcer --> Stomach cancer

on MC today... Was feeling terrible on Monday already. Managed to scrap thru work ystday and went to the doc's in the evening...

doc asked since whn i had this kinda feeling my my tummy. told him quite some time back, but it came n go... only becoming more frequent now... he asked if it could be stress related... u're the doc, how in the hell would I know!? anyway, i din tell him tt lah, i just said i dunno... gave me gastric medication, famotidine... was wondering y not antacid. seems tt famotidine is stronger thn antacid.

correct me or the webbys that i went thru if i'm wrong... antacid for neutralizing the acidic affect in the gut. but famotidine, is for curing ulcers and reducing the gastric juice serection... now, tt really scares me! i betta start looking aft my tummy... eating medication on time. the tot of stomach ulcer n developing into stomach cancer really scares me...

May God, my Lord bless this lost sheep... Amen!

Headache cum hunger pangs cum gastric...

Feel like dying... Dunno whn i started having gastric pains... mayb i din heed the symptoms like burning stomach, hunger pangs, slight sharp jabs on the center, slightly to the left of my stomach area... now i cant get to sleep, accompanied by the heavy headache-ed head! helppppppppp...

so here i am... at this hour, which i should b sleeping, typing in here to waste time... chatting in cobratrivia to waste time too. need to tire myself to get to zzz...

haiz, since whn did my body become a total wreckage?

stress? a bit... not cos of work... but cos of how someone, a colleague, is treatin me... not tt i'm treated badly, but too good in fact... i told a frd abt it, he said, "dun flirt back". pengz... since whn i became an "expert" in this area!? he aso said, "if u wan things to happen in a certain way, think in tt direction. but dun have to think too much aso... if u hope he's not interested in u, think tt he's not, thn can liao..." hopefully tis advice will work cos i'm just not comfy being treated so nice... dun ask me y yet... not in the mood actually to tok abt it rite now.. too stress liao...

the packing on the paracetamol says "cause drowiness" but i feel so awake... haiz... more chatting in trivia...

http://Salisbury.cjb.net

webby of the moment: http://Salisbury.cjb.net
feeling of the moment: sad, depressing: tot i'm over him already... but... silly: y? y? y?
song of the moment: tt song on the webby and Gu Dan Bei Ban Qiu...
me of the moment: crying, stoning, blank mind...

Good & bad news...

Time for news updates... erm... k, tt's lame...

my contract got renewed... monthly rated now... renewed for a year... so if nothing goes wrong, i'll not be jobless for the next year...

boring life... wake up, work, driving lesson, wash up, sleep... tt's my life for the past few weeks, except for a few days i let myself off, go home early n slack...

next week's screening, 13 going on 30 n alien vs predator... was kinda wishing for stepford wives instead...

ivp starts tmr at np... good luck!

Tired... v.2

Tired... deadbeat... not because I just returned home at 3.30am from mdm wong... For the past few weeks, been taking cab to work cos i jus cant wake up... but i slept early... ard 10... Really can't make it... its like there's no energy in me...

I'm no longer hourly rated... Roy, my boss, has agreed to convert me to monthly rated, tt means a slight pay raise... just whn everything is settled, i received an email thru FSV yahoo grp abt needing pple in SPH. tok abt timing...

zzzzzzzzzz...

Thou shall not sleep tonite... Hmm...

Yes yes, wht am i doin here at this pt of time... should be zzz cos i supposed to wake up at 5.30 n go to work. here's r d reasons...

man u just lost to chelsea 1-0 and the match finished just minutes ago...

Lots of swimming olympic finals telecasting rite now...

Telecasting frm athens now is aso a badminton match between our singapore's ronald susilo n world's no. 1, china's lin dan. susilo won the first round 12-15, n leading now 6-10... if he wins this, he'll go on to the nxt round...

Jap vs Italy soccer match, who dun wana watch?!

thou shall not sleep tonite.. thn later i sure jialat jialat liao... the whole day in office sure yawn one... n Ada on Fri say wana date me later, dunno wht's in stall for us aft work.. haha...

bz week ahead of me... tues got training... wed have to pick up pdts n mayb sfs screening, hopefully i can tahan n make it. there's i robot n the notebook. driving lesson on thurs n fri. sat at last can rest, but sun might b gog out wif the gals again.

haha.. now the sg contingent in the stadium singin ole ole.. hahah... score is 10-13 now... aiyoh, i aso a bit kan cheong liao.. haha...

gone thru 3 driving lessons so far. taken d road already! things i have to improve on... steering for sharp bends and my biting point... so paiseh, was trying to find the biting point at a traffic light junction, traffic light (yay!!! susilo won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 10-15!!!!!! on to the nxt round!!!) turned green, thn i took a bit long, the stupid driver behind me horn at me!!! warau... thn i said, i "L" plate leh!!! thn my instructor aso laff...

okie.. i got cheated.. the supposed italy n jap match is now morocco n portugal...

thou can sleep... nitezzz...

Since 25th Jul...

How should i start this entry... let's date back to 2 sundays ago, 25th Jul...

F.I.R was in town and had a gig at Hard Rock Cafe. It was the first time I'm seeing them n hearin them live. They are fantastic! fabulous! superb! They are like so perfect. One pretty n sweet, the other, cool, the other, drop dead good looking, my ideal guy type...
F=Faye: Pretty n sweet, with a great voice to boot. She has the ability to go solo anytime. She's like A*Mei, sounded betta live rather then cd (although both have diff singing styles) and has great stage presence. I've always tot there are 2 diff type of singers, the performer/ entertainer (read: "idol" type eg, Aaron Kwok in the past when he just started out) and the singer (read: only sing, do nothin else, eg Qi Yu, Cai Qin). Reason I like A*Mei is that she fall into both catergory, so does Faye. When she sang a verse of A*Mei's Lan Tian, she sang it sooo beautifully in her own way.
I=Ian: Lao Shi!!! The brains behind this band. Composer, producer, keyboardist. A*Mei's Lan Tian was done by him too. (tt's y Faye sang it at the gig) Damn cool! Was drooling at his coolness, given his age of 30+. haha... Gotta thank him for bringing them together, without him, there wouldn't be F.I.R.
R=Real aka Ah Qing. This is the drop dead good looker. Stupid photos I've seen of him in the press so far make him look fat n ugly. Mayb cos he has a kinda wide face cos of his jawline. when he smiles, he's cute. When he does not smile, he looks cool n suave. my ideal guy type lah, the kinda guy whose type of look can vary but still good looking lah... He's very very obliging. Call him, he turns n smiles, INTO your cam!!! Damn talented too. If he goes solo, he'll be hot property. he can sing! so wht if he's just a guitarist. He has the voice that really melts you... ahhhhh...
After the gig, it was the autograph session at West Mall. IDIOT warner staff, after I finish toking to lao shi n faye, can tok to ah qing already!!! but, this idiot, ask me how many cd sleeves i brought up thn hurry me off the stage!!! i haven even shook ah qing's hand nor tok to him!!! argh... tt's one disappointing part... another was, i have so many friends in NTU, but none could get tics for the gig at NTU... Q was too long and most had to rush for lessons, some din even bother to reply me!!! grr...

Last sunday, 1st, went for a malay wedding lunch buffet. it was Hamari's son's wedding. supposed to go down to SAJC to mit PJ for a church event, but my head was killing me, tearing me apart. Slept, from 3+, waking up several times for dunno wht reason. In my "blurness", i think i replied sms, drank water n pee-ed... hmm... waking up in the morning 6.30 and took a cab to work the next day...

Tuesday, went down to NP for training. Got schedules for IVP, so i can book my driving lessons accordingly. After training, i went home, din go eat, zzz... woke up to watch man u play psv. after tt, wnt to work as usual. after work, wnt to pick up my lenses, went home change shoe cos heel came off, a bit risky to wear them walking ard in town. wnt to mit him (him lah...) for SFS core screening of Brotherhood.

Review of Brotherhood: I liked it, but he din. was crying like hell. the plot was very pacy, thus whn the characters "grew" it seemed very fast n choppy. it also seemed like the director was trying to squeeze Band of Brothers into a 2 and a half hours movie. the cinematography was also very similar to BOB. but overall, its a good movie. teaches us one important thing, if u treasure the person close to you, nvr flare up or quarrel wif him/her. if there are misunderstandings, tok it out n clear it. cos u'll nvr know whether u'll c him/her again the nxt day, that's whn u'll regret...

Went for my first practical driving lesson today. need to work on my footwork n steering. i have bad road sense... :-(

I've been thinking a lot after the movie, dunno excately what, but it just links from one thing to another. in the end, i "settled" on 2 quotes that i've seen n heard...
"The furthest distance is that when I'm beside you, you don't even know it."
"Friends, I'd rather be. Lovers, I'd rather not. Cos lovers last for a while, while friends last forever."
With this, i'm tellin myself to be more hard hearted in love cos "friends" will definately last longer then "lovers"...