Wreckage is me...

Keeping myself in check... Soon this blog will become sorta like a medical report... Heh...

Crying, nope, checked...

Feel like crying, yesh (many times), checked...

Shouting n screaming, yesh, checked...

Feeling empty n loss, yesh (when i'm not doin anything), checked...

Stomach growling, yesh, checked...

Appetite, nope, checked...

Total food ingested: one can of green tea, few sticks of Long John Silver's fries, 1/5 piece of LJS chicken, 4 pieces of LJS shrimps n 3 pieces of LJS calamari...

I have to keep myself bz... If not i'll be on the verge to start crying... Like just now, on the way home wif my mum in the cab, made myself pay attention to the lyrics of the songs playing on the radio. Fell asleep in front of the tv, wht choice do I have... I dun wana be sobbin while trying to sleep...

*Snap outta it* how? I'm asking myself. Bz, i must be bz... neopets, friendster, irc, icq... No to sad stuff on cresp's advice. So if i'm at home, i target sports n funny shows to watch. No songs for me now, can't be bothered to dig out the happy songs in my collection of mp3s.

One of my jie meis getting married next year in Dec... Time really flies. So happy for her... I know i'm happy for her, deep down in my heart, but, I can't c myself smile...

Even whn Man Uted won the match just now... I was "yay-ing" away in the channel, but, i dun c myself smile...

I feel like i'm a total wreck... Total wreck... Wreckage is me... Dun call me Jas, call me Wreck...

Depression.... Depression...

Its true... I think i'm in a bout of depression thingy. I really dunno why... It's been a month already, a fucking long month, the longest period I ever had.

I keep telling myself I'm ok, I'm fine, I'm happy but somehow the hormones got my brain. Here I am feeling miserable not knowing the fucking reason why. Here I'm crying for no fucking reason. For one whole fucking month! Argh! WTF!

I can't tok to anyone not even myself. I even lost my own pillar of strenght inside me. y? Mayb I've been stayin at home doin my own stuff? I don't even have the fucking paitience n mood to play neopets, searching for items at a low price n selling them at a higher price. Hope the China trip will cheer me up... Hope... Toked to cresp, our trivia's pharmacist who has very good medical knowledge, he said "in depression no motivation to do anything". I think i'm really in depression.

For the past 36 hours, I've only ingested one plate of sushi (conveyer belt size), a chawanmushi and a cup of Horlicks. My mum cooked dinner just now, all i ate was an equavilent of 1/8 of a potato n 1/4 of a leaf of cabbage. For desserts 2 tablespoons of ice cream n half a bowl of bird's nest. And to think bird's nest is my fave, I only managed half a bowl. My stomach's calling for help, but I dun feel like eating. Hope I dun get any eating disorder.

Channel 8's showing a new serial now wif Zoe Tay suffering from post-natal depression. Damn it! I really behave like her. Whn i c her, i c a mirror image of myself... The screamings the cryings... I really dunno wht to do or wht to think abt ystday, so i went to zzz and left my nick in irc as pacedsob. Whn i woke 5+ hours later, some of the closer pple in trivia pm me, showing their concern... Thanks guys, you're all the best irc frds i have...

The only alternative is the next alternative...

IVP 2003's officially over. Gals got 3rd, guys got nothing. It's like "as per normal", guys get nothing every year and this year's team in comparision is kinda strong to yesteryears. Haizzz... Next year will be a betta year, i really hope.

i was thinging abt something just now. Shld a person in life have very good frds or very close buddies.

Frds are like always there for u, u can tell them everything wifout worrying.

Buddies are aso always there for u, but u can't tell them everything cos u dun wan them to worry for u and most of the time you're taken for granted cos there's no word of thanks or sorry. The relationship between this group is funny. Normally, u'll listen to the advice of pple who are your "buddies", but because these real buddies are really too close, so some how or rather, u'll just ignore wht thy say even if it makes sense. Rebellious nature? Mayb. Thanks to Adma n Eve who passed us this rebellious nature? Excuses... can choose not to but well as guys always say this excuse "wait till i find the rite one lah, i die for her aso can"... well well...

Its the end of Sept. Shld be ready to pack soon. Who knows, die in a plane crash and wht i said n who i adviced on will aso not regret not listening. Mayb all this while I'm toking nothing but just rubbish pple dun seem to care whn i care. or issit back to the rebellious nature excuse again? Hmm, mayb the SQ fight shld change to China Airlines thn really plane crash dunno if there're regrets. Most prob not. heartless pple? Mayb. Learnt something after 22 years of life... Dun give more thn u receive. No one will bother anyway.

You know in those drama serials set in the olden times, pple DO listen to advices n regretted not listening to them after someone-close's death. Doubt it happens in real life now. After all they're just stories n characters in reel life.

Wnt over to take a look at the irc window just a sec ago after finishing the above para. q n bugger playing the op-deop game again, tis time round, on me... Strict ops thingy again.

Whn you're emotionally down, weird ideas just come to your mind. even watching happytreefriends dun cheer u up, nothing does. you'll only cheer up whn u blast away at the person(s) responsible for this and who in the rite mind will let u blast away like tt. I dun. The only way, cry n cry n cry away, at least for me... Tt's my way of venting out my fustrations, blah blah...

Mayb like wht another of my frd said, "lower self expectations esp if those expectations need actions from others". Well, its ok if thy dun listen, I'll just stop toking. No point in wasting my breath... But mayb because i care, tt's y i tok. only way to stop caring is to turn heartless or maybe disappear from this world... cancerians rule by their emotions, so heartless is out. the only alternative is the next alternative...

Neopets. Sis. Champs league. IVP.

Reading blogs and writing them seem to be the things I'll do whn I can't get to zzz and I've nothing to do and maybe a few complains...

Neopets is filled wif kids, kids and more kids. I'm having fun having a home and a shop, although its not happening in real life yet. And these KIDS, oh boy, u know wht thy do?

1) After u buy up all their nonsense loss-making items in their shop, thy neomail u asking u to be their neofriend.

2) Thy dun mind making NO profit or any loss by selling their items lower n lower wif every search wif the shop wizard. Let's say u price yours at 77, they'll price it at 76 n then another will price it at 75 n thn another at 74. Adoi, can't thy just buy up the lower one n sell it slightly higher? Even if thy have no more money left to buy up, just price it as 77 (or as the lowest price given in the search wizard). 1np is aso money mah. KIDS...

Toking abt kids, the terror kid in my house is getting freaking irritating as the day passes. All I have to do is to ask her to lower the tv vol, and her voice goes louder thn the tv is already. N as my parents hate noise in the house, thy'll go "let her be". She's as spoilt as a frigging brat (worse thn anyone can imagine) compared to those spoilt frigging brats acted out in tv, even spoiler. Mayb she shld be the one acting in those spoilt bratty roles. I really need to move out, can't take these nonsense anymore... Anyone can put me up for free rental?

Opening match for Champs League... Man U won 5-0, Real won 4-2. My Becks din scored, but my Solks did. Heh... N ARSEnal LOST... hahahahahhahaha... Cannot gloat ah, its bad to gloat at pple's loss. hhahahahaha...

Did my nails ystday n today. Not too bad... Hehe... Painted the base ystday, added the 2nd colour, shimmers n flowers (gem stones type) today. Too bad no where to upload...

IVP's on again... NP lost to SP in the opening match, both gals n guys team. Haizzz... 1 down, 2 more matches to go. Hope we can win NTU, thy're not tt good either, matchable... As for NUS, its only hoping n hoping, thy have pitchers n thy're batting's aggressive, wishing n hoping...

Y would pple lose directions in life even whn thy actually know wht thy want. Issit cos thy're just plain lazy to excecute it? Haiz...

No other nonsense, back to neopets to deal wif those kiddys...

Depression? Sian? What the f***....

My entries are "limited edition' stuff cos I only update it like once a month.

Some things just got cocked up, would have gotten abt $25 more next month... Haiz... Huge promotions going on next week n the week after, thus less money on nail stuff n beads this month...

Y issit when I tell someone some things, tt fella will ignore, dun care. And when things really happen, its no point saying sorry and saying will learn from mistake. most of the time, it just happens again. And whn other pple tell tt fella, tt fella will listen. Mayb I shld tok less to tt fella, seems like sometimes really no point toking aso... Mayb God should really take me away cos tt fella dun listen whn i tok, so wht's the point of toking and being ard and getting flared up at and treated like a punching bag and only know how to argue whn i'm trying to tok sense abt listenin to me, things wun happen...

I usually dun think much of TCS 8 modern "life" serials, but kinda like the one showing at the 9pm slot... Wouldn't it be nice to set up a business wif very close frds? You get to c each other everyday, tok to each other everyday. Mayb cos there's an office environment afterall. But its really nice... One of them wasn't feeling well so went back home to rest. The other 2 went over to her place to visit her n even whipped up a meal.

This kinda friendship is so pure untill the love triangles that eventually entangle the 3 of them. Tt of cos, (Lord i pray) will not happen again. Happened abt 3 years back, and that will be the last and only time. Friendships are built on trust and i hope that this trust will only increase and not break.

After today's episode and my "pins n needles" tummy the nite before, really dun feel rite. Sometimes i really think to myself am i taken for granted or friendships should be wht's depicted in the show. Mayb I'm just paranoid that if i should die or hospitalized (which i tot cos the pain was unbearable n i let myself think too much, imagining it was appendicitis), no one would even know... But it's really true when you can actually "count" the no. of frds you have by being hospitalized wif a life-threatening thingy, be it accident or Sars... Btw, seems that Sars might be back wif a vengence...

Mayb I'm just gog thru another bout of depression thingy again, just like how jen describes it... Once in a while, you'll just feel everything's not rite...

Sleepy, nail art, yawn...

Sleepy... Stayed up all nite ystday to watch baseball this morning at 7. Slept till 5pm after the game ended. And feeling sleepy already... No wonder Jester calls me piggy... hmm...

Sometimes really feel like moving out. Too noisy at home. My sis will start throwing tantrums for absolutely nothing n my mum becomes pek chek. Then starts shouting her head off at issues not even related to wht my sis is throwing tantrums abt n begins on her own rantings. Then my dad hears them all, n "world war 3" starts at Clementi...

Been spending money on nail polish, acrylic paints n beads recently. Doing my own manicure plus nail art and DIY earrings at home... So fun! Most of the money goes to these items. Although I tell myself, next month thn I'll get a new colour, but whn a colour comes along n catches your eye, you'll grab it, rite? Haiz, betta control myself a little, cos i cant be drinking nail polish for food.

Was discussing wif PJ that mayb we can pool resources n rent a bazaar stall or something and sell wht we dun want. She had done it wif her sis b4 n thy made a little profit after minusing out the rent. Mayb during the Dec hols as it'll be more convinient...

Sleepy... *yawn...*

Lala-land...

Haha.. been ages since I typed anything here... Not much to write aso... Heh... Been ok with life, no rantings... Just hope that Neopets servers shld buck up a little, getting slower and slower... Dunno why I named this lala-land though...

22 years on Earth...

Woah! My b-day's in 24hrs!

Grand old age of 22. Getting old... Young at heart can liao.. Hehe... But 22 really seems old man... A few more years mid-20s already, and a few more late-20s thn the big 3-0!

Wht have I been doing for the past 22 years? Was in my mum's tummy for the first 9 months. Both my parents working so was taken care by my nanny. Till I was 7, thn I went home cos my parents got a maid. But had trouble with the maid, sent the maid packing and I was back to my nanny's place. It was only till Pri 3/4 that I really had my own room in my own home. My sis came along whn I was having my dec hols in Pri 1.

Had a score of 228 for my PSLE, couldn't get into any of the sec sch my mum n I chose, so was thrown to a sec sch I didn't like. Didn't like but stayed on for 4 years cos couldn't get a transfer out to anywhere. Went to FSV, my interest. The rest of the courses I chose was to just enable me to go to Ngee Ann so if I cant get into FSV, I can transfer in there.

Its the first time I did something I really liked. Quarrelled with my mum becos she wanted me to go JC. Never regretted my choice till now. Stayed in FSV for another half a year to do a short advanced-dvd course and chose to forgo a place in Murdoch Uni (Bachelor of Marketing and the Media, BMM).

Its a uni course that I really liked. I can get to learn abt marketing in the media and media's marketing, with advertising added in. The main reason I wanted this was becos of the advertising subjects tt I'll be able to do. Not copywriting and the arty part of advertising but the maketing and media part. Interesting eh? I'd like to go back to do the course again whn I have the time.

I've written abt the ABC choices thingy entry some time back. So tt's y I'm still here now. Directions changes. Expectations of life changes. Hmm, not quite though. All I know is that I want to have my own time freedom but I'll still have money. Thus, business...

When I have the financial freedom, I may most prob go to Murdoch to persue the course I wanted to. And of course play my softball, and do every single thing I love.

Bday celebration, Becks' move...

Celebrated my b-day earlier last week. Got a hotel room, checked in wif a few frds. Played mah-jong (trying to keep noise level down), talked cock, swam (damn cold swimming pool), buffet breakfast (not too much of a spread), thai express dinner (yummy tom yam, green curry for dinner, red rubies n tapioca for dessert)... No pillow fight though cos we're all civillised pple. Hehe... Really enjoyed myself for these 2 days. Might be celebrating again on the day itself on Tuesday. See arrangements how...

One reason I'm in here is also because Bugger's MIA again... Ping timeout this time round. Haiz... There goes my trivia...

Becks heading to Real Madrid. Sad sad... Y sell Becks n not Veron? Cos Becks is worth more? Cos whn his contract ends in 2 years, he'll be on free transfer n Man U wana earn some money outta it? y? haiz... How I wish he remains in Man U. It's his fave team since young and what beats the feeling you have playing for your fave team? Haiz... Now when there's soccer telecast, I'll have to watch 2 games instead of 1... 1 for Man U (cos my other fave players are still there), another for Becks... Haiz...

Updates yet again...

Diaryland keeps getting clogged up nowadays.. too many pple accessing the blog at the same time? Huge updates? Dunno whether considered or not..

American Idol of 2003 is Ruben Studdard!!! Whooppii!!! So so happy!!! Can't wait for his album!!!

Mentioned that my throwing's off, and now I know the problems. Have to keep practicing till I get it right. SEA Games 2005, I'll reach for you! I must try and go all way out to reach there!

On Sunday, I saw something. I don't know if that's real love, or issit cos being together for so many years, you just can't live without each other... Well, well, I not in a position to comment about love, am I?

Mind's in a blank.. Dunno wht else to blog... Haiz...